ADHD and hypersensitivity often occur together, especially in women. Research shows there’s a reason for this. The dopamine receptor gene DRD4 is associated with higher cognitive empathy in women, and certain dopamine gene variants are associated with the personality variant of hypersensitive people. Yes, we are literally wired differently.

ADHD people have an endless thirst for knowledge and wisdom, and it is also proven that the ability to recognize patterns is more pronounced in an ADHD brain. Not only are we more empathetic, but we also pick up on behavioral patterns more quickly and sense what people feel and need more accurately. But why is this? It is because of the three types of empathy that are wired differently in our brains.

1. Cognitive Empathy
   Allows us to mentally understand and put ourselves in another person’s situation and understand their thoughts and intentions.
2. Emotional Empathy
   Allows us to not only put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, but to actively feel their emotions in our bodies. Unfortunately, this also means that we can take on the moods of those around us, which can be detrimental in toxic environments.
3. Social Empathy
   Is derived from both cognitive and emotional empathy and allows us to understand people of different races, cultures, backgrounds, ages, personalities, etc.

We have a higher emotional reactivity, which leads to stronger emotions and increased emotional empathy. All of these traits are perfect when working in a social field, such as being a nurse, doctor, teacher, etc. Outside of these fields, however, these abilities are often detrimental and result in more judgment, friction, and trauma for us.

Our ability to feel and read other people’s intentions is also one of the reasons why we are often marginalized and targets of bullying and retaliation. We often forget, at least I always do, that other people rarely see the true intentions of others, so if a person is acting and behaving in a way that is detrimental to the team/others, or is deliberately trying to deceive, we will usually call it out; and pay a heavy price for it.

Because we are blamed, labeled, insulted, and attacked for our abilities for most of our lives, we begin to doubt ourselves and our self-esteem shatters over time. This is especially true for those of us who were diagnosed later in life. When 10 people tell you that you are wrong, a troublemaker, a liar, a shit stirrer, and a problem, while no one else around you acts the same way, sees the same things, and speaks the same language, you come to the conclusion that they are right. You begin to believe that there is something seriously wrong with you, that you are crazy, neurotic, emotionally unstable, and stupid.

The damage done to us by others, as well as a lifetime of masking, trying to fit in, hiding our true thoughts and feelings, while constantly censoring our words and actions, is exhausting and often leads to severe depression, anxiety, and burnout. Doctors will then mislabel us as suffering from clinical depression and anxiety disorders and prescribe antidepressants, which of course never work.

This world is not built for people like me. From huge, open-plan offices, to managers who not only know nothing or very little about psychology and especially neurodiversity, to performance measures that are not designed to reward or include individuality, we are simply doomed to fail from the time we leave kindergarten until the time we retire. Unless, of course, you are lucky like me and end up in a company and position that celebrates my neurodiversity and recognizes my special abilities rather than punishing me for my shortcomings.

I feel and suffer with all my friends and those who have not yet had the courage to be tested. I hope they find help and understanding so they can thrive before they break.

All of us who have been diagnosed in late adulthood/late life experience an overwhelming amount of emotions that are very similar to the 5 stages of grief. But to explain this a little more, I wanted to share what my specific brain variant of ADHD, hypersensitivity and autism does to me and how it has changed my behavior, communication and overall life.

Let me start by debunking the most common statement, “We all have a little bit of ADHD. No, we don’t!
My brain lacks two hormones that are essential for executive functions that regulate concentration, impulse control, memory, and well-being: dopamine and epinephrine. Our brain works like a computer with 200 tabs open at the same time, which not only means that our brain jumps from one thing to the next without any rhyme or reason, but also that we are constantly at war with the environment because we are overwhelmed by sounds, smells, and sights; this is even more pronounced for me because I am also hypersensitive and on the autism spectrum. Stimuli become unbearable, I would feel like a rat in a cage, the brain starts racing and looking for an escape, resulting in me becoming agitated/aggressive when people say or do things that I feel are not right/negative, etc.
I have often compared my emotions to a freight train that, once started, could not be stopped or controlled. But how did it get to this point, why was I never diagnosed, and what were the consequences?

It is painful to read my report cards from school, apprenticeship and business school. Here are the statements, labels and judgments people have given me throughout my life:

• You are lazy. If you just tried a little harder, you could be the best/have excellent grades.
• You are combative
• You are too aggressive
• You are too loud
• You are a shit stirrer
• You have way too much empathy, which means you are neurotic
• You are disruptive
• You are intimidating/scary
• You are way too direct
• You need to learn to keep your mouth shut
• You are distracted and need to stop daydreaming
• You are not grounded in reality
• THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!
• THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

I could probably go on with this list for a while, but these were the most common statements I’ve heard, the most painful ones, and also the ones that led to two hospitalizations after two complete mental breakdowns that left me unable to function and unwilling to live.

When I was a child, no one noticed that I was rarely present (in my mind) because things that really interested me would create hyper-focus, and having an endless curiosity about various topics allowed me to get really good grades in school in most subjects, which would make up for the not so good grades in subjects that couldn’t hold my attention or focus, like math, physics, and chemistry. However, I figured out “hacks” to always get by without failing classes, and I also knew that good grades would lead to success later in life.

I was also incredibly lucky to have a handful of teachers who saw my potential and recognized that I was ahead in certain subjects. But the real problems started as soon as I graduated from high school. I was 17 and starting an apprenticeship, and gradually my grades started to drop. I noticed an even bigger drop in concentration, lacked all impulse control and often “disrupted” the class with stupid remarks or singing! Too much stress and dysfunction in my personal life compounded my problems.
It all came to a head when my boss/teacher called me into her office and said that my outspokenness was refreshing but if she had 20 of me she’d shoot herself and told me to stop talking, start paying attention, work harder and stop being lazy. She also said that if I didn’t shape up, she might have to kick me out. I called my teacher and told him I didn’t know what was going on and he ended up calling her. I never really knew what he said to her, but after that she was very supportive and actively helped me graduate and get my diploma.

The thing is, having ADHD also means having RSD – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a condition specifically attributed to the ADHD brain. For us, criticism and rejection cause severe emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical pain (hello, fibromyalgia). So we develop panic attacks, phobias and depression, which in turn are misinterpreted and misdiagnosed by doctors, friends, family and co-workers.

This is what it looks like. You know from a very early age that you are “not normal” and that there is something wrong with you, but you don’t know what it is. You feel that you do not fit in, so you begin to isolate yourself. Then rejection and criticism start raining down on you all the time. This not only emphasizes that something is wrong, but also that you are unlovable, that it is all your fault, that you need to try harder to fit in and behave normally because you are “just not right and other people can do it easily.

I had constant friction in my life because I had an extreme sense of right and wrong/fairness, as well as the all-or-nothing brain that would dictate either doing something or doing nothing at all. Where others were afraid to speak or do, I would fearlessly jump in front of the bus, no matter the consequences – but only for other people, not usually for myself.

By the age of 19, I had developed severe phobias and depression, attempted suicide, and engaged in self-destructive behavior. That was until I moved to the United States. There I learned to be a chameleon and began to imitate successful people, often asking them to mentor me. Every piece of advice I got, I took and applied without question. I also learned a million hacks to hide my “defective” brain.

Here are some of them:

1. Never enter a meeting on a laptop or later on a cell phone
2. When people speak to me/at me, turn away from the screen, stop what you are doing, and look only at their face
3. Make to-do lists
4. Always put things in the same place/develop designated places for everything
5. Don’t go to parties or clubs with other people so you can leave if things get too much
6. Never show sadness, anger/frustration, fear, anxiety or that you are overwhelmed
7. Pretend to be an extrovert
8. TRY TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT

My life was an endless series of rituals, rules and hacks and a constant censoring of myself while living with the fear and anxiety of making mistakes or opening my mouth inappropriately again. My life was hell, often unbearable, while I felt I was walking on the edge of an abyss and one wrong step would spell disaster. I was put on most of the antidepressants in existence, none of them worked. I was put on Alprazolam/Xanax for the constant anxiety attacks and sleeping pills for the never ending insomnia. I went to the emergency room countless times because I would break out in hives, have bizarre dizzy spells or horrible headaches and vomit until I had no choice but to go to the hospital. Nothing was ever found except a spike in blood pressure, sometimes an infection, but usually nothing that made me feel crazy. Of course, anxiety and panic attacks are not so easy to diagnose.

In 2006, the first real break came after shoulder surgery and severe stress in my personal life (again) that required hospitalization in the open ward of a psychiatric unit in the same hospital that had just repaired my shoulder. My brain was spinning, I couldn’t stop crying, I didn’t want to live anymore and all I could think was “I can’t do it anymore. I have no more strength. I’m so tired, so very tired.” I trusted my family doctor and he had the care and compassion to admit me to the hospital.
I was immediately put on a number of medications. There was Paxil for the depression, Ambien/Zolpidem for sleep, Xanax as needed for anxiety, and a drug I had never heard of, Adderall, to give me a little more energy and stop the suicidal thoughts.
When I left the hospital, for the first and only time in my life, my head was absolutely calm. I was able to listen to people, I had very little or nothing to say, and I felt at peace. Of course, when I stopped the medication, I also stopped the peace in my head.
*It is important for me to say here that I have never attempted suicide again and would never attempt it because my hypersensitivity would never allow me to hurt my loved ones by ending my life.

The next nearly two decades were filled with ups, mostly downs, and a steadily diminishing ability to self-regulate and censor. The safe haven of working for a large corporation that inadvertently used my neurodivergence to bring out the best in me was blown away by the market crash of 2008 and my forever trying to fit into the very neurotypical world of corporate America at various companies – and failing miserably. There was a steady stream of bad and impulsive decisions I made and the consequences that would eat away at my physical, mental and emotional health. And then came perimenopause! See my post about ADHD and menopause.

2. My mind races at 500 mph and ruminates. There are endless loops of past experiences and “I should/could haves,” or “why didn’t I.” My brain only circles around negative experiences and trauma and I’m incapable of letting go.

3. I cannot concentrate or focus. My mind either goes completely blank and I lose my train of thought or sentence entirely, or I am so scatter brained that I start ten things, finish none, or end up doing something completely different than what I started out to do.

4. Living feels often overwhelming and life unbearable. It is not that I am suicidal! There is a distinct difference between being suicidal and being tired of living, or “lebensmüde” like we say in German. What it actually means is that my brain is so full and it’s so loud that there is no room for anything, which results in me shutting down and having meltdowns.

5. My feelings, thoughts and reactions are amplified and immediate; I have no impulse control. This leads to extreme actions or reactions, especially outbursts of anger/rage or breaking down crying and wanting to die. Each one of these “episodes” leaves me exhausted, guilty, filled with shame and severely depressed. It is the worst of all these symptoms, because it makes it very easy for people to manipulate me, by triggering a reaction they can use against me.

6. I am not really ever present. I am so lost in thought, imagination or feeling that I check out. In school teachers thought I was just “daydreaming” and deliberately not paying attention and at home, my mother thought I was doing drugs. I have been doing this my entire life, as far as I can remember.

7. I have an extremely strong moral compass and notions of right and wrong, to the point where I will not only go out of my way to expose liars, cheats and bullies, but self-destruct in order to bring them to justice. They label me malicious or otherwise crazy and win, while I stand discredited and defenseless.

8. I feel so deeply and have such a high sense of compassion that being around people too much is exhausting and can be dangerous. Because the world does not understand hypersensitivity I have been labeled neurotic by a boss, a whiner by my mom or a pansy by others. I can actually sense dishonesty or deceit and the hidden motives of people, but rarely follow the instinct, because I’m afraid I am wrong.

9. I experience long periods of severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks. These times are always accompanied by insomnia, agoraphobia and debilitating fatigue. I am exhausted and tired to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open, but I cannot get enough sleep.

10. Pain – I have fibromyalgia, which is another conditions caused by trauma that literally translates into hypersensitivity to stimuli. My brain and my central nervous system cannot communicate properly, which causes my brain to read incoming signals of smell, sound, sight or stress as severe pain, usually in my neck/shoulder, back, hips and elbows.

Reading this list one may wonder how I function at all. The answer is simple. I am so good at masking that most people do not notice the extent of any of this. I have also developed a long list of hacks, starting in childhood, that allow me to function successfully when I have to. Some of these hacks are:

1. I put everything in the same place and follow a strict routine. Assigning specific spots for specific items is necessary, as is doing the same things at the same time every day, in order for me to be organized and not get too side-tracked or forget things, like take medication. I get up at least two hours early for me to meditate, follow down the rabbit hole of random stuff that pops into my mind, read or research various things.

2. I do not take anything distracting into meetings or conversations. This means that my phone or laptop are out of reach, or when doing remote meetings, I close all tabs so I can’t toggle between distractions like email. At home, I turn away from the desk, or pause the TV, etc. so I can fully hear what is being said.

3. I avoid websites, places, situations and people that trigger me and result in emotional or mental pain. For example, I deleted Twitter, never downloaded TikTok, disabled all notifications from social media and deleted at least half of my Facebook “friends.” I do not go to concerts and when I attend conferences, or work events, I interact with “safe” people.

Yes, my life and world is small, but this is simply how it has to be for the time being. If you are reading this and have questions, feel free to contact me and ask away.