Being hypersensitive and having ADHD while also having fibromyalgia was not only difficult, but at times devastating. While I learned to cope and manage these conditions as best I could, it was often the interactions in daily life that caused most of my pain. How others reacted to me, the (incorrect) conclusions they drew, and the judgments they made about me made my life unbearable at times. I often struggled with major depression and felt suicidal to the point of hospitalization. I want to make it clear that I would not kill myself because I cannot bear to cause so much pain to those who love me, but to talk about the mess that is my brain and not mention depression and suicidal thoughts would be dishonest.

Let’s start with hypersensitivity. Having so much empathy that you can not only feel what others are feeling, but also read intentions and know, for example, when someone is lying or hiding things, is not an advantage. You can never talk about your intuitions because people don’t like to be found out or told things they don’t want to hear about themselves or others. They will simply label you as too sensitive, pompous (how dare you say things you can’t possibly know for sure), delusional, and therefore untrustworthy and dishonest.

When I was a child, my mother punished me for being sensitive by not allowing me to cry. Talking about bullies or cheaters in school didn’t go well either and resulted in retaliation. Telling a friend that the person they were dating was cheating was never believed and always ended with me being attacked and ostracized. Exposing someone as an abuser, narcissist, liar, manipulator, or cheater always ended with horrible consequences for me and none for the perpetrators.

Although impulse control disorder exists, it is also one of the most difficult symptoms of ADHD. A lack of impulse control means that you have trouble controlling your emotions or behavior; and this was by far the most devastating symptom.

I have lost count of the number of people who have lashed out at me because I “can’t keep my mouth shut. There are also those who have never said anything to my face, but just retaliated because I either said something I shouldn’t have or said something no one else had the guts to say to them. I have a tendency to not only call out dishonesty, unfairness, or hypocrisy, but to tell people to their face; and in professional situations, that will cost you your job, because your boss will not thank you for being honest, but will undermine you and find ways to get rid of you.

There are other things I’ve done that seem completely crazy to people, like traveling long distances and to places I’ve never been for jobs I should have researched better. Taking my car in for an inspection and deciding to trade it in for a newer model while at the dealership. Deciding that I don’t like any of my clothes anymore and need a whole new wardrobe. Shopping is something I have to be very mindful of because I can get lost in just buying things I will never use or wear.
While these are the “tame” examples, in hindsight there are hundreds of situations that could have gotten me into serious trouble or even killed me.

But why am I doing or saying these things? All I can say is that there is a strange thing going on in my brain that I am aware of, but I am unable to stop or control, much like one would be unable to stop a freight train. This behavior is particularly noticeable when it comes to my “speaking. In almost all situations, I have spoken up about behaviors that violate the rights of others or conflict with societal norms. I feel the words coming up in my head, I know they will get me in trouble or possibly destroy my career or relationship, but I am unable to stop them from coming out of my mouth. There’s a twisted part of me that believes that people can be reasoned with, regardless of their ideology or “opinions,” because mine can be changed if someone provides me with evidence to the contrary of what I believe. Maybe they didn’t know they were being unfair or biased or otherwise a jerk?

As I said in the beginning, this is the most heartbreaking and destructive part of my being – and it is the best weapon for narcissists and sociopaths to manipulate me. They quickly figure out that I am easily baited and upset, and then do or say things that elicit a reaction that they can and will immediately use against me. From convincing others that I’m crazy, lying, or harassing them, to making sure my credibility and reputation are destroyed, they watch gleefully – and while I saw it coming, I just couldn’t stop myself from reacting.

If I could make one thing go away, it would be this. I wish I was wired differently.