For the majority of my life I used to think that I am crazy; that there is something seriously wrong with me, because I couldn’t understand the polar opposites that dominated who I was. I used to refer to them as the light and the dark side.

Being diagnosed made me realize that it was my ADHD side I labeled as the “dark” side and the autism side as the “light” one. Why did I see it that way?

There has always been an internal tug-of-war inside of me. My autistic side craved structure, was rigid and needed to follow rituals and rules, while my ADHD brain needed spontaneity, was fearless, despised rules, was rebellious and often reckless. I would get bored easily but really couldn’t stand mixing things up. I’d want to follow a structured day, but then impulsively get sidetracked and abandon any plans or lists I’ve made. The same was true for my communication. I’d impulsively spew “honesty and truth,” then analyze for hours, days and even months how I could have come across better or avoided a confrontation. I learned to fear my dark side, because she seemed to get me in trouble and would do things that were, at times, downright dangerous. She was represented in my colorful exterior, sporting blue, purple, bright red or black hair with pink streaks. I would often kill my curiosity and simply avoid people and situations that might lead me to act impulsively or cause me harm. The advantage was that I never really experimented with drugs or drinking alcohol, because I knew that finding anything that would quiet my noisy brain would have been dangerous.

Both traits contributed to me becoming a perfectionist. An autistic trait drives me toward thoroughness and attention to detail, and my ADHD side had to be perfect due to the constant imposter syndrome and fear of failure I experience. The sensory world is another set of contradictions. I crave and even seek out certain stimulating environments like a conference, until I arrive. Suddenly, everything is too loud, too bright and no longer manageable. While I used to and still use certain stimming techniques that don’t get noticed (picking my cuticles, rubbing my fingers, counting silently items in a room, etc.), inevitably I’d reach a point of having to flee. I started calling it my crab walk. Sideways stepping away until I could disappear behind a wall/door, etc. and run to my hotel room. Luckily, people always thought it was funny that “now you see her, and then she’s gone.” But I felt shame and embarrassment.

I was so good at masking that everyone believed me to be an extravert — which couldn’t be further from the truth. Even when I was tested, I had to actively think about answering without masking, which was difficult to remember, because I had masked my entire life. I had to really remember what I used to do and trained away, or what my response would be if no one was around. Having all the information now does not necessarily fix what decades of masking have damaged, but cognitive behavioral therapy, daily meditation, exercise and medication have given me tools to recognize my patterns more easily and change my responses and behaviors.

Turns out, there’s no dark and light side. Simply a person living at the intersection of two overlapping yet distinct neurotypes.

Being hypersensitive and having ADHD while also having fibromyalgia was not only difficult, but at times devastating. While I learned to cope and manage these conditions as best I could, it was often the interactions in daily life that caused most of my pain. How others reacted to me, the (incorrect) conclusions they drew, and the judgments they made about me made my life unbearable at times. I often struggled with major depression and felt suicidal to the point of hospitalization. I want to make it clear that I would not kill myself because I cannot bear to cause so much pain to those who love me, but to talk about the mess that is my brain and not mention depression and suicidal thoughts would be dishonest.

Let’s start with hypersensitivity. Having so much empathy that you can not only feel what others are feeling, but also read intentions and know, for example, when someone is lying or hiding things, is not an advantage. You can never talk about your intuitions because people don’t like to be found out or told things they don’t want to hear about themselves or others. They will simply label you as too sensitive, pompous (how dare you say things you can’t possibly know for sure), delusional, and therefore untrustworthy and dishonest.

When I was a child, my mother punished me for being sensitive by not allowing me to cry. Talking about bullies or cheaters in school didn’t go well either and resulted in retaliation. Telling a friend that the person they were dating was cheating was never believed and always ended with me being attacked and ostracized. Exposing someone as an abuser, narcissist, liar, manipulator, or cheater always ended with horrible consequences for me and none for the perpetrators.

Although impulse control disorder exists, it is also one of the most difficult symptoms of ADHD. A lack of impulse control means that you have trouble controlling your emotions or behavior; and this was by far the most devastating symptom.

I have lost count of the number of people who have lashed out at me because I “can’t keep my mouth shut. There are also those who have never said anything to my face, but just retaliated because I either said something I shouldn’t have or said something no one else had the guts to say to them. I have a tendency to not only call out dishonesty, unfairness, or hypocrisy, but to tell people to their face; and in professional situations, that will cost you your job, because your boss will not thank you for being honest, but will undermine you and find ways to get rid of you.

There are other things I’ve done that seem completely crazy to people, like traveling long distances and to places I’ve never been for jobs I should have researched better. Taking my car in for an inspection and deciding to trade it in for a newer model while at the dealership. Deciding that I don’t like any of my clothes anymore and need a whole new wardrobe. Shopping is something I have to be very mindful of because I can get lost in just buying things I will never use or wear.
While these are the “tame” examples, in hindsight there are hundreds of situations that could have gotten me into serious trouble or even killed me.

But why am I doing or saying these things? All I can say is that there is a strange thing going on in my brain that I am aware of, but I am unable to stop or control, much like one would be unable to stop a freight train. This behavior is particularly noticeable when it comes to my “speaking. In almost all situations, I have spoken up about behaviors that violate the rights of others or conflict with societal norms. I feel the words coming up in my head, I know they will get me in trouble or possibly destroy my career or relationship, but I am unable to stop them from coming out of my mouth. There’s a twisted part of me that believes that people can be reasoned with, regardless of their ideology or “opinions,” because mine can be changed if someone provides me with evidence to the contrary of what I believe. Maybe they didn’t know they were being unfair or biased or otherwise a jerk?

As I said in the beginning, this is the most heartbreaking and destructive part of my being – and it is the best weapon for narcissists and sociopaths to manipulate me. They quickly figure out that I am easily baited and upset, and then do or say things that elicit a reaction that they can and will immediately use against me. From convincing others that I’m crazy, lying, or harassing them, to making sure my credibility and reputation are destroyed, they watch gleefully – and while I saw it coming, I just couldn’t stop myself from reacting.

If I could make one thing go away, it would be this. I wish I was wired differently.

2. My mind races at 500 mph and ruminates. There are endless loops of past experiences and “I should/could haves,” or “why didn’t I.” My brain only circles around negative experiences and trauma and I’m incapable of letting go.

3. I cannot concentrate or focus. My mind either goes completely blank and I lose my train of thought or sentence entirely, or I am so scatter brained that I start ten things, finish none, or end up doing something completely different than what I started out to do.

4. Living feels often overwhelming and life unbearable. It is not that I am suicidal! There is a distinct difference between being suicidal and being tired of living, or “lebensmüde” like we say in German. What it actually means is that my brain is so full and it’s so loud that there is no room for anything, which results in me shutting down and having meltdowns.

5. My feelings, thoughts and reactions are amplified and immediate; I have no impulse control. This leads to extreme actions or reactions, especially outbursts of anger/rage or breaking down crying and wanting to die. Each one of these “episodes” leaves me exhausted, guilty, filled with shame and severely depressed. It is the worst of all these symptoms, because it makes it very easy for people to manipulate me, by triggering a reaction they can use against me.

6. I am not really ever present. I am so lost in thought, imagination or feeling that I check out. In school teachers thought I was just “daydreaming” and deliberately not paying attention and at home, my mother thought I was doing drugs. I have been doing this my entire life, as far as I can remember.

7. I have an extremely strong moral compass and notions of right and wrong, to the point where I will not only go out of my way to expose liars, cheats and bullies, but self-destruct in order to bring them to justice. They label me malicious or otherwise crazy and win, while I stand discredited and defenseless.

8. I feel so deeply and have such a high sense of compassion that being around people too much is exhausting and can be dangerous. Because the world does not understand hypersensitivity I have been labeled neurotic by a boss, a whiner by my mom or a pansy by others. I can actually sense dishonesty or deceit and the hidden motives of people, but rarely follow the instinct, because I’m afraid I am wrong.

9. I experience long periods of severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks. These times are always accompanied by insomnia, agoraphobia and debilitating fatigue. I am exhausted and tired to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open, but I cannot get enough sleep.

10. Pain – I have fibromyalgia, which is another conditions caused by trauma that literally translates into hypersensitivity to stimuli. My brain and my central nervous system cannot communicate properly, which causes my brain to read incoming signals of smell, sound, sight or stress as severe pain, usually in my neck/shoulder, back, hips and elbows.

Reading this list one may wonder how I function at all. The answer is simple. I am so good at masking that most people do not notice the extent of any of this. I have also developed a long list of hacks, starting in childhood, that allow me to function successfully when I have to. Some of these hacks are:

1. I put everything in the same place and follow a strict routine. Assigning specific spots for specific items is necessary, as is doing the same things at the same time every day, in order for me to be organized and not get too side-tracked or forget things, like take medication. I get up at least two hours early for me to meditate, follow down the rabbit hole of random stuff that pops into my mind, read or research various things.

2. I do not take anything distracting into meetings or conversations. This means that my phone or laptop are out of reach, or when doing remote meetings, I close all tabs so I can’t toggle between distractions like email. At home, I turn away from the desk, or pause the TV, etc. so I can fully hear what is being said.

3. I avoid websites, places, situations and people that trigger me and result in emotional or mental pain. For example, I deleted Twitter, never downloaded TikTok, disabled all notifications from social media and deleted at least half of my Facebook “friends.” I do not go to concerts and when I attend conferences, or work events, I interact with “safe” people.

Yes, my life and world is small, but this is simply how it has to be for the time being. If you are reading this and have questions, feel free to contact me and ask away.