It’s been about two years since I’ve hidden my post and myself from the world. The last break I barely survived. What do I mean by break? I mean that I completely fell apart, unable to function and unwilling to live. I wanted to die. I saw no point in living. I had lost all hope and found my heart and spirit so broken that just breathing seemed hard.

What saved me were doctors, medication and again, painstakingly putting myself back together. I went on an extended journey into my mind, read books, papers, talked to doctors and psychologists and finally found the source of my torment – my neurodivergent mind.

I never did have words for being so sensitive, for feeling and experiencing everything so deeply that it overwhelmed and often paralyzed me. I knew that my surroundings had plenty of words for it. My mother mockingly declared me a sissy and way too sensitive. Others declared me neurotic (“that amount of empathy is not normal and therefore neurotic”). There has always been an endless stream of judgments, accusations and misinterpretation about why I say and do what I say and do; and since I couldn’t explain it either, I started believing “them.” I started to believe that there was something extremely wrong with me, that I wasn’t normal, bad, crazy and not worthy of attention or empathy. And this is precisely what broke me. What saved my life were my man, my dogs and the overwhelming responsibility I felt towards not abandoning them.

As of now, I know that I will never be like I was before. I found a more supportive work environment that understands my differences and loves them about me. I “fled” the US and returned to Europe. I am in the process of rebuilding my life and myself back up again. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I’ve lost most of my confidence, but I am working on that.
I meditate every day (proudly on day 158 today), I practice breathing and mindfulness, I do not really engage with the world anymore, because I am too vulnerable and unable to really speak about what I’m going through. It’s loud and messy in my mind and I can’t bring myself to even remotely attempt to explain it.

I’ve republished my blog, because now I have different thoughts and questions that I ponder and I feel they should be shared with others, especially those who might also be hypersensitive and neurodiverse.