I have many flaws and shortcomings, but my judgmental, all-or-nothing nature is the single most destructive trait.
Yes, over the years being rigid, almost compulsive, has served me well in certain situations. The pragmatic, logical “Vulcan” approach has been both, a blessing and a curse. For example, at work my way of being works really well most of the time. Being super analytical and having a mind that can get stuck for hours on small details works well in fraud prevention, investigations and analysis.
Over the past few years, though, being unable to exist in the gray has hurt me more than helped me in my personal life. Yes, I can see another person’s point of view, but only when I am not emotionally involved – which I am a lot. My feelings are very complex and run deep on both ends of the spectrum. This makes it sometimes difficult to have constructive and “neutral” conversations with people I care about.
Black and white runs me. I will either let a person in completely, or not at all. I fly high, then drop super low. These behavioral patterns are hurtful to me and others and one of the worst parts about it is that I project them onto other people all the time. This makes it very hard for me to listen to criticism, even if it isn’t all that bad. Fighting devastates me and turns into an emotional identity crisis. Yet frequently, when I have fun, or am happy, I keep getting distracted, wondering when it will be over and waiting for the proverbial hammer to drop.
As I mentioned before, black and white is sometimes my savior, and even in this very predicament it works well for me. I either do, or I don’t and I am either done, or I am not done. I can happily report that I am done. I am done with talking too much and listening too little, because I am stuck in my past disappointments and trauma. I am done viewing people in black and whites, often misjudging them. I am done with being sad, angry, isolated, indecisive and scared. And when I am done, I have no other choice but to change it; and luckily, I can be quite happy when I choose to be so.
Starting today, I shall attempt to sail the waters of gray and stop talking too much; starting with this very post being less than 500 words. 🙂
