This is the second blog in a series I have decided to start. The series is about breaking the cycle of self-defeat, abuse, denial or whatever is holding you back from achieving true happiness and the life you want.
Years ago, I received a phone call late at night from a friend who asked if I could pick her up from a gas station in Hollywood. She was stranded there, after her boyfriend had hit her and kicked her out of the car. What followed were another 3 years of abuse, in which he broke her nose twice, ruined her credit, threatened to kill her and got her arrested. Each time I tried to interfere, she would tell me “but I love him.” It was heartbreaking for me, because I, too, had used the same reason to stay in relationships with guys who were clearly no good for me or downright abusive. After all, I am my mother’s daughter and she had taught me that it was ok to be abused, neglected, cheated on and broken by someone who “loves” you. We all know that cycles have a way of repeating themselves.
I remember spending year after year, or month after month with narcissistic, sociopathic, selfish, dishonest and cold-hearted guys, because I wanted to “love the bad out of them.” I had learned as a child that I was worthless; that no one would ever stand up for me or protect me, so I decided to do for other what no one had done for me! In my opinion, everyone was a good person, deep down inside, and I was the one who would bring it out in them. Time and time again, I fell in love with “potential” and the illusion of what could be, versus the reality of what actually was and would be!
I have an amazing imagination and I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to pay any attention to me, or love me that my heart was up for grabs; and not for the highest bidder, but any bidder! All one had to do was show up. I wouldn’t even censor. I firmly believed that everyone is a good person and that some just hide their “goodness” from the world because they have been hurt so much/endured bad things; some apparently, have to hide it really, really deep down inside! So no matter what heartless stunt was pulled, I generally still stuck around. I would focus on “the good sides” and imagine whatever I wanted, which was much easier than facing the bleak reality of how unloved I truly felt. I thought that if I would prove my love, loyalty and devotion enough, he’d sooner or later stop being the jerk that he was. It never even occurred to me that I had absolutely no power over another person’s actions or choices! It never occurred to me that some people will never learn, have no desire to change, are truly not so good, selfish or simply dishonest. In my mind it was always my fault that another was behaving the way they did; which meant I had control over it!
Of course, after a while you stop asking your friends for “advice,” because a) you are not going to listen to it (they will only tell you that you need to let him go and move on and what do they know about our love) and b) you feel way too ashamed about ignoring their advice time and time again and staying with the loser who cheats on you, takes your money and treats you like dirt. Plus, it isn’t all that great to admit how weak and stubborn you feel, and even sadder to realize that you are actually unable to let go. After all, you see a side in him that no one else sees! You have this ability to truly see his core, which no one else does! So you stick around, in hopes that your wishful thinking comes true; unable to let go, unable to move on and unable to see what it’s doing to you. After a while, you have bought into the story that you can’t do any better and that this is as good as it gets. It’s not called “settling,” it is called “making the best out of what you’ve got,” and recognizing true potential.
After all, how would you know that you are actually experiencing co-dependency and how would you know that it works just like a drug. No one ever taught you the tools of true intimacy, so after a while, no matter how it may appear to you, you are no longer in the relationship due to your free will, but due to the fact that you are absolutely hooked on him, just like on a drug. I don’t want to bore you with the details of why the brain actually treats such a relationship the same way it would a drug or alcohol. But what I DO want to share is that one can survive this, AND come out healthy and happy on the other side! I encourage anyone who finds themselves in a relationship that consistently leaves you feeling empty, suicidal, worthless or ashamed to consider that this is not love. A loving partner will not hurt you, disrespect you, lie to you, cheat on you and use you over and over again. Love means having someone else’s best interest in mind; sometimes above your own. With love comes balance of giving and taking, of sharing, listening, caring and nurturing. Love is not about pain and hopelessness, ever!
I can highly recommend two tools that helped me with rewiring my “hard-drive;” cognitive behavioral therapy and hypnotherapy. Neither one necessarily require that you have to lye down on the couch of a therapist and talk about your “sad stories.” Instead, even if you are not willing to dig through the deepest, darkest cobwebs of your past, a good therapist will still be able to help you disconnect the old, self-destructive behavioral patterns and teach you new and healthy ones.
When one is in this situation, it seems impossible to survive without him. It seems that you will never ever be able to “love” someone the way you love him, or be as attracted to someone the way you are attracted to him. However, with the right tools you can learn to love, honor and respect yourself enough to recognize what true love is, versus an unhealthy obsession and addiction. Loving yourself will be the best thing you’ll ever learn and the most important one in choosing that which truly makes you happy; namely all the time, not only in the five minutes he chose to be nice to you, before he disappears, cheats, leaves or is mean to you again.
