One can find them all the time; blogs, books, TV shows, posts and god knows what else, telling you how to get a relationship, telling you if he is into you and how to be happy.
As a society, it seems, we have become completely clueless. At least this is how it appears to me when I read these “tips.” The expert advice is derived from common sense and apparently, common sense is something most of us no longer have. Have we become so dull that we cannot even listen to our instincts anymore?
My question is “Really? You really don’t know when someone is not into you or committed to you? You need a book or an expert that tells you that?” I say this is BS! Most of us know very well when the dude isn’t into us or when he is absolutely not committed to the relationship. We simply choose to ignore it and then get an opinion poll. As long as the majority thinks he is into us, we buy into it, no matter how much our gut is screaming the opposite at us.
We find expert advice, such as “If he introduces you to the family he is committed.” “If he celebrates Christmas with you, he is committed.” I have been with guys who did both and couldn’t have cared less about the relationship. Sometimes people do what is expected of them and what they “have” to do. This is not a sign of commitment or love, for that matter. And you know it!
It seems that most of us have turned into huge masochists. We stay with the wrong guy for the wrong reason and when he finally does dump our butt, we spend more time and more energy crying over him; and worse, trying to get him back. We are absolutely incapable of letting go, even though the relationship was bad or mediocre at best. Because when we are rejected it turns into an ego thing and becomes much worse than simply being ignored or mistreated. Ack!
We proud ourselves on being independent, when most of us don’t seem to be able to do anything without a relationship. Hence, we find ourselves constantly trying to get a guy or trying to get over one. We don’t enjoy life this way and we sure as hell are not happy. But hey, unless the experts tell us we don’t even “know” that we are unhappy; or shall I say we are incapable of facing the sad truth that it might have to be us who does the bending and shifting, not some tool who broke our heart.
Maybe it doesn’t help that our already highly dysfunctional society sets the rules of acceptance. If we don’t have some guy to define us, if we are unmarried or don’t want kids, there must be something wrong with us. And of course, sooner or later most of us buy into it.
I, too, played this stupid game for most of my life. I would desperately mourn the loss of even the biggest douche, feeling that I was the failure here. And granted this was true to some degree. I failed by choosing the wrong people for the wrong reasons. And I failed for not attempting to get the tools to make the right decisions earlier on. I used my broken toolbox to keep making the same choices and wondered why it didn’t work.
How I devoured the books that told me how I, too, could find the love of my life. As corny as it sounds, the biggest love of my life was the love I finally started to develop for myself. Sadly, the healthier I become, the more my old, broken patterns become obvious. Many people I used to befriend or date, I now wouldn’t go near with a 10 foot pole! I feel comfortable in being judgmental now. The difference is that I no longer feel a need to share my opinions about crazy people with the nuts so much. Sometimes you just gotta walk away and you gotta do it quietly!
As a society we seem to become more and more dependent on others to tell us how to feel, live, think or be. We need more rules, while screaming for more freedom; which we cannot handle. We love it when others validate our crazy, inadequate, toxic or debilitating behaviors. There is less integrity and honesty in our world now. We can’t be honest with others because we sure as hell can’t even be honest with ourselves. We avoid truth, because we avoid moving our lazy butts, whining how it is too hard to change or actually do something. Oh the horror of getting our butt off the couch, and worse, cough up some money for it. Suddenly, we are too poor to take care of ourselves, even though we always find that extra bit to buy another piece of clothing we don’t need, etc.
I have news for all the lost, sad and miserable sheep out there. If you need a friggin’ book that tells you when you are not wanted, when you have overstayed your welcome, when you shouldn’t be in a relationship, when you are being codependent, passive aggressive and who you should be, you should get your butt to a professional! Good luck finding happiness doing it your way!
