It’s been a time for introspection for me these past 2+ months. I find that connection, while something I crave, is not necessarily something that comes easy to me. I think it has everything to do with the fact that I am deeply afraid of opening up to anyone and being vulnerable. I think it also has something to do with the fact that I am not sure how true connection looks like. I misread the queues and I don’t trust the signals I am getting as authentic or lasting.

The whole thing has gotten so confusing to me that I naturally want to avoid it. No, this doesn’t mean I do avoid it, but I struggle nonetheless and my natural instinct is to run away from getting close.

I have lived against my grain since I have moved up North. I don’t have it all under control, I still sometimes “lose it” and there are situations where I am more confused than I care to admit. But I do try to work through it all. A big part of it is to find the balance between the caring and loving person I believe myself to be and yet not caring too much or taking things too personal; and not taking on other peoples issues or “projects.”

I have gotten a lot of attention up here but find to my surprise that, once my initial fix was satisfied, I don’t really care for it all that much anymore. My hamster ball has become my refuge, but not a prison. I do cherish curling up in my own world so much, and while I do have no quarrels about sharing my hamster ball, I have no desire to rush into allowing anyone in, or granting that spot as easily as I once may have in the past. Spots are no longer granted by mere applying for it.

I am confused and neatly split between wanting to be connected and a fear of letting anyone close to me or experiencing true intimacy. My fear of rejection and disappointment keeps me safely at bay and allows me to protect my heart, while I explore what the world has to offer.

I am finding myself these days. I have my values and my core beliefs, which haven’t changed, but my outlook on what is right or wrong, bad or good has changed. I sure as hell judge a lot less these days, focus a lot less on others and more on myself and attempt to stay present and out of my head as much as possible.

I hate it at times. It is difficult. It isn’t quite “normal” for me just yet, but I overall feel pretty good and happy, more so than feeling unhappy and scared. I do what makes me feel happy, with little regard of how other people think or feel about that or may judge me.

My hardwiring wants me to hide in the ball and mourn for the loss I feel and for the lack of connection I am experiencing, but then I shake myself free and realize that there is no true loss, when one learns to be the best one can be. I am living by my three main values of honesty, integrity and loyalty and find that I can look at myself, respecting myself and love myself, even when not all things are running as smooth as I’d like them to run.

“Time is on my side…yes it is!”

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