I know that it appears at times as if I am only capable of administering tough love. However, this is not the case. Yes, I am very annoyed with eternal victims, martyrs and people who won’t accept responsibility for their own actions, i.e. people without integrity; but this doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two about actual illnesses or disabilities.
Depression is a very real chemical imbalance that can be treated like any other disease. I know a lot about it, because I have battled it for many years of my life. I also spent quite a lot of time claiming that it wasn’t a disease and that I could “will it” away. Depression runs in my family and even if it didn’t I still had enough traumatic events in my life that would have brought it on. I am not a doctor or therapist, but as someone who has overcome depression, I can at least share what worked for me.
First of all, there is a huge difference between being down now and then, or while going through life changing experiences, and clinical depression. My depression was caused by events. It didn’t hit me out of the blue, although that can happen for others. Depression felt like being sick. I had no energy, because I would spend huge amounts of it trying to cope and live a “normal” life, not really showing others how depressed I was. Hence, my depression would often come out in form of anger. The sadder I was the angrier and aggressive I became, especially towards my trigger people. Depression felt like wearing a heavy, wet blanket all the time that made it hard to breathe or concentrate. At times I felt as if I was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease as I would also get increasingly more forgetful. And then there were the constant headaches, joint aches, stomach aches, ulcers, gastritis, high blood pressure and high cholesterol issues, which I would ignore, until I would finally visit my doctor who would give me medication to treat it.
It was approximately 2 1/2 years ago when I woke up one day and decided that I was tired of being sick and tired. From this moment on I have literally consistently worked on my mental, emotional and physical well-being, thereby changing and rearranging my entire life. How did I do it/am I doing it? Well, here is what I am doing, in no specific order. And so far, I feel better than I ever have before in my life!
My first step was acknowledging my own unhappiness and my inability to fix it! I had to admit that I had a lot of tools to cope, but not enough tools to create my own happiness. I did not really do one thing at a time, but started them all almost simultaneously. I decided that my 40th birthday would be the start of a new life. I did not want to repeat the patterns I had clung to throughout my teens, twenties and thirties, because they clearly didn’t work. So here is a rundown of what I did and am still doing:
I started with hypnotherapy for weight loss, as well as hypnotherapy to quit smoking. This was right after my birthday, in September of 2009. I have stopped smoking in September and can’t say I miss it at all 🙂
On November 1st I signed up with a personal trainer and started training and changing my eating habits.
In June of 2010 I made an appointment with a cognitive behavioral therapist and have been going ever since then.
In August I made an appointment with my psychiatrist to discuss treatment options for my PTSS (post traumatic stress syndrome) that I was finally diagnosed with, which not only caused me to have consistent panic attacks, but also gave me chronic insomnia. After more than 30 years of doctors trying to figure out what causes my chronic illnesses, I finally had an answer and a treatment plan! So where am I now?
It is February of 2011. I have gone from a size 14 to a size 8. I have more strength, energy and endurance than I ever had and I am continuously progressing towards a better body, actually starting to show muscle definition.
I am on two medications, Lexapro and Lunesta and have no side effects to report from either. Except that for the first time in my life I am getting a good night sleep almost every night, and that I have no panic attacks or emotional ups and downs to report.
I have shed a huge amount of emotional weight as well, by not only getting rid of those individuals who were detrimental for my well-being, but by also not rekindling the relationships with them, due to unrealistic feelings of anxiety, desperation, guilt or abandonment. All the $#&# talkers are gone; and so is their negativity, their craziness and their blame.
I am not only working through my childhood and adulthood trauma, but I am healing from it. Most days I feel calm, energized and relaxed. I don’t “lose” it as quickly, because I have hardly any triggers around me. I am much more awake, alert and observant than I ever was, and for any who really know me, that is a lot! I see people and situations much clearer for whom and what they are and most of them don’t really affect me the way they did before. I am really good in picking people now, because I am truly trusting and relying on my instincts now, which I simply overwrote in the past.
Most importantly, though, is knowing how to set boundaries and how to truly take care of me, above anyone else!! I no longer have an urge or need to rescue anyone. Where “broken” people used to draw me, because I wanted to help, they now almost repel me. When they ask for advice, I tell them kindly that I am not equipped to help them out and send them to a professional. These days, I come above all and everyone! And yet, I am still not a selfish or unkind person. I guess this is what balance feels like.
Interestingly enough, I found my true happiness in taking care of myself and doing things for me! Whenever I go exercising, swimming, watching a movie by myself, getting a manicure or simply curling up in bed with my Kindle, I feel like heaven. I feel grateful, happy and content most of the time. My life is truly amazing, powerful and drama free, because I am working on it every single day of my life. What used to be work has now turned into a lifestyle and a permanent way of being. With each passing day, the new ways become more ingrained and a bit easier. With each new lesson learned, I am attracting an entire new breed of people, situations and opportunities into my life. For the first time in my life, I actually know what I have to offer and to whom. These days I have only one regret; why did I wait so long to start?!
