Human beings are, by design, social creatures. With the exception of a few, we like to be around others, we like to know that we belong and that someone cares about us. This is one of the traits that define us. It is therefore completely natural and within our nature to start finding a mate. However, what once seemed to be a somewhat natural process has turned into a maze of confusing signals, strange rules, etiquette and behavioral patterns that can hardly be called “natural.” For some, the chase overrides everything else, including common sense and sometimes one’s own self-worth.
Lots of people seem to struggle with finding the right partner these days. Hence, dating sites and services are a multi-billion dollar industry across the globe. We no longer have the time, or maybe skills to meet people by chance, so we go “relationship shopping” online. Most of us do it or have done it. Personally, I think it is an excellent way of meeting the right person, especially if you are a recluse like I am. The only time any kind of dating becomes a bad idea is if you “need” a relationship. Here are some of the reasons:
- Desperation
All people, regardless of gender, can “smell” desperation; and trust me, they’ll run from it. - Low or no self-confidence
Again, most people pick up on it and don’t want that in their life. Healthy people want a partner, not a project and having to constantly give approval or reassurance to someone who has no self-respect or confidence becomes draining - Commitment Phobes
Oddly enough, it tends to be that type that can’t hold a relationship and seems to have no idea why. When we don’t trust others and we are afraid of committing, we will not only attract the same in return, but we will sabotage any good thing; usually by nitpicking or setting unattainable and completely unreasonable standards (this person is boring, I don’t like the way they dress, etc.)
Being able to love and be loved requires first that you can love yourself! Otherwise, you’ll become a black hole; no matter how much attention or care someone pours into you, it’s either never enough, or never from the “right person.” If you tear yourself into shreds, I can only imagine how harshly you criticize others. When you learn to love and accept yourself you also start seeing the world and the people in it through different eyes.
Anyone who “needs” to be with someone tends to be in only one of two modes, namely mourning the loss of a relationship or chasing after one. Neither is very liberating. Plus, you give away all your power, either to those who don’t deserve it, or by creating walls so high that no one can overcome them. The truth is if you expect the worst, you’ll get it. Also, be careful to sneer at those who obviously seem to “need” relationships. Those who are always in between relationships and/or move on/cheat as soon as things become difficult are also co-dependent. They just appear to be more dependent by constantly being with someone new. Either way, the vibe they give off to the “real” world will be the same and a functional, healthy relationship will not come from behaving in any of these ways.
My suggestion would always be to surround yourself with honest and caring people; preferably drama and mostly baggage free! Ask them how you come across. Ask how you are perceived and what you can do to overcome the obstacles. Be open to their advice, even though it might not be too pretty or sting. I would assume that you don’t choose friends who want to deliberately hurt you or don’t care, so always consider the source for any type of feedback before you discard a friend, simply because they may have told you something you didn’t want to hear. If you ask for honesty, I’d hope for you that you get it.
We all have choices in life (yes, I keep saying that). It is up to us to decide if we want to be participants and positive contributors to our lives, or if we want to be miserable and passive bystanders. No one is handing us a predetermined path. It is up to us to choose our path. Life is short, choose wisely.
