A reader of part 1 asked me if feeling but not acting isn’t equal to suppressing feelings and pretending to not be affected. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. But, just because we feel a certain way about something, or someone, doesn’t give us the right to go crazy and full-force express our emotions. No, this does not imply either that our feelings are wrong; it merely means that we don’t get to act like a child who doesn’t get their way, every time someone hurts us, angers us or disagrees with us. Am I perfect in this practice? No, not yet, but I am working on it every day. So, I am going to give examples of situations I have encountered, along with my reactions, feelings and the actual actions I took; right and wrong! I am making it very clear how I perceived the situations and I am, by no means, implying that I am right! I’d also like to thank my fellow blog buddy, Coreen, for giving me the courage to make it more personal.

1. After well over 10 years of friendship I got into a fight with one of my closest friends. What triggered me? Her consistent complaining, negativity, insecurity, lack of action about it and finally, the total selfishness and lack of loyalty she would display due to her need to be accepted and to get attention.
   How did I react? I finally lost it. After years of gently trying to help and being there for her, I went off on her when she accused me of not wanting to help her by telling her “you’ll get it one day.” I told her that it was her lack of action and her lack to take responsibility for her own life, as well as her consistent refusal to take a look at herself; instead blaming her exterior and everyone else for her shortcomings. This did not go over well. Instead I was told that I kicked her in her darkest hour.
   I backed off and walked away but I missed her. I had high hopes for her and always had. When I ran into her by chance, I apologized in detail and tried to explain why I went off. It didn’t matter. When I confronted her again about her lack of loyalty, by making friends with someone who had severely betrayed and backstabbed me, she simply erased me out of her life. I asked what I did but she didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face or respond. It was painfully clear that she had not mourned the loss of my friendship at all, but had merely replaced me with people who’d agree, not confront her and feed into her stories.
   My trigger this time around: Dishonest, disloyal, never owned up to any of her actions or words, and a coward.
   My action this time around: None! I turned around, understood that I did the right thing by owning up to my stuff and apologizing for it, then walked away.
2. This one goes even deeper. This was another friend I had for over 10 years. She has always had problems with attracting abusive people into her life and I needed to safe her. Over the years I got her a job, even though my boss did not want to hire her. He felt she’d be a liability, unable to concentrate, distracting others and too “damaged” to keep focused. I vouched for her.
   Over the years she was exactly the way my boss had predicted she’d be. When she was on her final written and about to be fired, I again jumped in and rescued her. Not only this, I took her on into a specialty team, I gave her an opportunity to excel, gave her a super special assignment, ensured she’d got the raise she deserved and even gave her referrals to therapists. I helped her move twice and would usually jump in when no one else would. How did she repay me? She screwed up the assignment and my reputation for consistently vouching for her lack of performance and the troubles she’d cause at work. She never spoke a word to me after she got laid off; on the same day I got laid off. She instead went to a couple of my “friends” behind my back and befriended them, taking bad about me. To this day I have no idea what in her mind makes her feel she deserved to betray me. I had single-handedly saved her butt more times than anyone else and I had gotten her a career, which she never had before. She never said thanks and she kept blaming others when she’d screw up.
   My trigger here: Backstabbing, disloyal, used me and never owned up to any of her actions, besides passively, aggressively or talking behind my back.
   My action: Nothing! I had to learn that she is another victim who will always blame others for her own issue. There is nothing I can do about that.
3. The last example I am going to use is another female. Just like the first two this one also absolutely refuses to ever apologize, or take responsibility for her own actions. Instead, she blames, attacks, makes snide remarks, then claiming she was misunderstood. Because she has always been like this, people have gotten used to it and either stay away or ignore her.
   Triggers: Manipulative, dishonest, not trustworthy; points fingers and blames everyone but herself.
   Action: I told her off, and then removed her from my life.

The triggers are always the same for me. I see my mother or father in each and every one of these people. Their complete lack of self-awareness, while taking out their own baggage on others and selfishly abandoning and attacking those who are/were there the most is an instant replay of my childhood. Looking the other way, playing the three monkeys and doing whatever allows them to sidestep true work on themselves, even if it destroys their life and all relationships is my mother reincarnate.

I am surely no saint, but I am not dishonest, deceitful and selfish. I don’t blame my BS on others and I don’t take out my crap on others. Therapy teaches me painstakingly slow how to deal with my trigger type. And it isn’t easy at all. There are still times when I fly off the handle and tell someone off. These times are much less frequent, for most of the time I truly do feel a sense of Zen and peace about me. But there are those selected few types who are poisonous to me. I therefore have no other choice but to literally not engage at all.

While I am quite successful by avoiding and eliminating certain behavioral types now, I wasn’t all that great in the past. The difference is that back then, even just a couple years ago, I had no tools to recognize truly unhealthy people. I recognized that their behaviors were sick, but I couldn’t quite figure out if this is a bad thing, as I was used to that type. Now that I really am learning the difference, sick people are magnified to me. Not only do I see them coming miles away, but now my initial response has been changed. Instead of trying to rescue, I run into the opposite direction as fast as I can; much like healthy people do. There is a reason that certain types only attract certain types. There is now an absolute certainty in knowing who someone is by not taking their words at face value, but instead, taking a close look at their surroundings AND the life they are leading.

Successful and happy people are never surrounded by unhappy and toxic people, who seem to be unable to succeed in life. While money is not necessarily an indicator for success, decision making ability, confidence and the air that surrounds a person are very strong indicators.

It is never acceptable to have anger issues and to fly off the handle, even if I have done it quite a bit. It is not acceptable to be passive aggressive and it is even worse to badmouth someone behind their back. What I say behind someone’s back is also something I have told them to their face. That is something I am proud of and didn’t have to learn.

I am not perfect but I do my utmost best to live a life of integrity, decency, honesty, loyalty and kindness. I didn’t want to have my character tainted and my heart jaded any longer by those who are miserable, selfish, lost and/or unkind. The motives as to why someone behaves the way they do is no longer relevant to me. Many of us have had hard times, bad childhoods, disappointments, loss or misery in our lives. It does not give us the right to turn into those who have wronged us and it doesn’t give us the right to be abusive and to lash out.

When year after year we hear the same complaints, attract the same unhealthy patterns and people, it is probably time to ask us what our role in all of it is. I am well aware that this is something most cannot do. It is by far too painful, time and energy consuming. Hence, most people rather remain unhappy, but at least know what to expect. There seems to be much more freedom in the ability to stubbornly refuse to be accountable and responsible. However, it’s all a facade. True freedom never comes when one cages one’s true ability and potential by cowardly hiding behind a bunch of self-loathing, deceit, victimhood and lying to oneself or others. It is difficult to rewire the angry, hurt and broken parts in us; but it is much more rewarding than living a life filled with disappointments, rejection, loneliness, anger and short-lived successes; never really knowing true happiness. When the day comes where I’ll die, I don’t want to be filled with regret about my life and the choices I have made. Instead, I want to look back with a smile, knowing that I lived a rich and fulfilling life worth living. 

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