In the past, I’ve had a couple people tell me that I should just get over the past, especially the abuse I’ve experienced as a child. Being me, I didn’t dismiss these rather cruel, and also highly ignorant comments. I took them to heart and I talked to doctors, did cognitive behavioral and regular therapy and studied up on my, already, rather vast knowledge of psychology.
I have fibromyalgia, and I have it as a direct result of abuse. FM is almost always linked to severe physical (accident, etc.), or emotional/psychological trauma. Because there is a reason we don’t get over abuse or trauma, and the reason is that our brains actually get rewired by it. As a matter of fact, your entire brain chemistry and with it, your reality, are permanently altered.
FM is basically a communication breakdown between the brain and the central nervous system. I am extremely sensitive to sound, bright light, taste and especially touch/sensation. I am, in the truest sense of the word, hypersensitive. If I wouldn’t already be an introvert, I’m sure this condition would help create one. Let me describe my head for you.
Imagine a world where everything is too bright, too loud, too much, too painful and too complicated. Imagine having a giant antenna on your head that is usually not set to sending, but very much to receiving – all the time, at high speed and high intensity. Now mix that with destructive behavioral patterns you’ve learned from your parents and you have my world. You have an empath who feels too much, thinks too much and can’t turn it off.
It’s not all doom and gloom, and there are advantages to this. For one, I have the uncanny ability to profile people. I rarely see what they are showing on the outside, and instead, I’m keenly aware of what they are hiding and who they are on the inside. I can profile people so fast and accurately that friends, especially when I was younger, were convinced I had psychic abilities. Which lead me to wonder about what constitutes psychic ability. But, I digress. I’ll get to that later. Working in fraud prevention, it sure comes in handy to be able to profile people based on very little information. I have effectively turned a bad thing into a good thing.
I’m a human lie detector. I can not only tell when people are lying, but I am also able to tell when they are keeping secrets, especially secrets of the damaging kind (like cheating). In return, I can’t lie either. I have no poker face and no ability to sneak things past people, because I’m just too transparent and animated in my facial expressions.
Furthermore, I have an immense and almost painful amount of compassion for people that are less fortunate, poor, marginalized, discriminated against, bullied or mistreated. I care about people, animals and the planet, as if they were all my responsibility. While I am overall non-confrontational, there is a switch in my brain that gets activated when I see people suffer, or someone inflicting pain on another. I lose all fear and jump in to defend that person. I also have opened my home and wallet to help others. Yes, this has backfired on occasion but the vast majority of the time it lead to a better path for the person I’ve helped. I have spent my entire life helping others who couldn’t fight back and didn’t have a voice. I started in school when I stood up to bullies and never stopped from there. Some would say that these are great powers to have, but here is the flip side.
Not lying or being unable to keep damaging secrets from others has backfired so many times that I am now simply careful about whom I allow in my life. Having to tell a friend that her recent ex is sleeping with her close friend – NOT a great thing. Telling your friend that the dude she just met is a sociopath and is going to beat the living hell out of her – NOT a great thing either. The truth is that these “great abilities” caused a lot of pain and even further isolation. People don’t really like others that are different, no matter what they say. In the end, they’ll attack you, call you a liar and never speak to you again.
Also a disadvantage is my inability to see gray areas. I see things largely black and white and that causes issues, especially in a world full of people that excuse a lot of their behaviors by claiming they were operating in a gray area.
Ever met people who are self-destructive and find them surrounded by other lost souls? Yeah, that’s another byproduct of being first taught, then wired to see things a certain way.
I learned that men are usually dishonest, mean, abusive, weak, addicted and have zero impulse control. Hence, the only way to be with them is manipulative, unfaithful and submissive, until you give up and run away.
Women, on the other hand, are only to be seen as fierce competition, slutty, users, even more manipulative and dishonest than men and much more dangerous, as they exploit any and all secrets you’ve ever shared with them, so they can emotionally blackmail you and ridicule you to the world. In other words, all humans can’t be trusted and are out to get you. Teach that to a little girl from the age of 4 on forward and you’d be amazed what happens to her brain. If you now add on that said little girl is not allowed to ever say “no” to anything that is said to her, done to her and inflicted on her, you have a brain that misfires constantly and a lifelong battle to attempt changing your brain chemistry and neural network.
I’m not angry about what was done, or what happened. But I am angry that I had no part in deciding on how I view sex, intimacy, relationships, friendships and normal human interaction. I’m angry at the effort it has taken and still takes to ignore some of the wiring and attempt to change it, while always controlling every single action or word in order to not give in to what my subconscious is telling me. Trying to control these thoughts and impulses has lead me down a path of making tight choices. I’ve experienced very little and removed myself from many situations and opportunities, in order to not fail, or end up being self-destructive like my parents. I’ve lived my “wilder” side only on the exterior, while I suppressed anything interior. I have always been the outsider, alien, if you will, that hung out with fringe people in fringe scenes, but was never a part of them, just like I was never really part of any groups. After all, observe people in a herd environment and your worst fears about people often become reality. But, it has also allowed me to choose wisely in treating people the way I want to be treated and paying it forward constantly and consistently. Trust me, it DOES come around and when it does, it’s glorious!
I’m writing about these struggles to let others know that they are not alone. To share that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that one can overcome hard-wiring. Even FM can be controlled. The most important thing for anyone attempting to rewire the brain is mindfulness. Learn meditation, do yoga, or spend an hour or so in a sensory deprivation tank. Do these things regularly and you will find that you can change how you view the world, which means that you also change who you attract and therefore, how your reality plays out.
I’m not here to tell you that it will ever be easy. The odds for successfully overwriting a defective neural network are slim, because it’s much easier to not think about things and just do as your subconscious dictates. I am, however, here to say that it is worth finding that the world is predominantly inhabited by good people. That it is worth it to believe in yourself and others. That the only true love you’ll ever need is unconditional love for yourself; the compassion you give to others must always be extended to compassion for yourself. Be the change you want to see in others. Lead by example. Give freely and unconditionally and take joy and pride in helping others. Understand that boundaries are important and get rid of people who won’t respect them. Lastly, find people that have these character traits: compassion, kindness, intelligence, open-mindedness and humor. Your brain, your subconscious, and hence, your reality will permanently get altered to one that no longer inflicts constant pain.
Love and light – always!
