1. The world is incredibly loud and overwhelming to me. Bright light hurts, loud or certain types of noises or music, etc. cause such strong physical discomfort that I literally have to remove myself – my flight response is triggered.
2. My mind races at 500 mph and ruminates. There are endless loops of past experiences and “I should/could haves,” or “why didn’t I.” My brain only circles around negative experiences and trauma and I’m incapable of letting go.
3. I cannot concentrate or focus. My mind either goes completely blank and I lose my train of thought or sentence entirely, or I am so scatter brained that I start ten things, finish none, or end up doing something completely different than what I started out to do.
4. Living feels often overwhelming and life unbearable. It is not that I am suicidal! There is a distinct difference between being suicidal and being tired of living, or “lebensmüde” like we say in German. What it actually means is that my brain is so full and it’s so loud that there is no room for anything, which results in me shutting down and having meltdowns.
5. My feelings, thoughts and reactions are amplified and immediate; I have no impulse control. This leads to extreme actions or reactions, especially outbursts of anger/rage or breaking down crying and wanting to die. Each one of these “episodes” leaves me exhausted, guilty, filled with shame and severely depressed. It is the worst of all these symptoms, because it makes it very easy for people to manipulate me, by triggering a reaction they can use against me.
6. I am not really ever present. I am so lost in thought, imagination or feeling that I check out. In school teachers thought I was just “daydreaming” and deliberately not paying attention and at home, my mother thought I was doing drugs. I have been doing this my entire life, as far as I can remember.
7. I have an extremely strong moral compass and notions of right and wrong, to the point where I will not only go out of my way to expose liars, cheats and bullies, but self-destruct in order to bring them to justice. They label me malicious or otherwise crazy and win, while I stand discredited and defenseless.
8. I feel so deeply and have such a high sense of compassion that being around people too much is exhausting and can be dangerous. Because the world does not understand hypersensitivity I have been labeled neurotic by a boss, a whiner by my mom or a pansy by others. I can actually sense dishonesty or deceit and the hidden motives of people, but rarely follow the instinct, because I’m afraid I am wrong.
9. I experience long periods of severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks. These times are always accompanied by insomnia, agoraphobia and debilitating fatigue. I am exhausted and tired to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open, but I cannot get enough sleep.
10. Pain – I have fibromyalgia, which is another conditions caused by trauma that literally translates into hypersensitivity to stimuli. My brain and my central nervous system cannot communicate properly, which causes my brain to read incoming signals of smell, sound, sight or stress as severe pain, usually in my neck/shoulder, back, hips and elbows.
Reading this list one may wonder how I function at all. The answer is simple. I am so good at masking that most people do not notice the extent of any of this. I have also developed a long list of hacks, starting in childhood, that allow me to function successfully when I have to. Some of these hacks are:
1. I put everything in the same place and follow a strict routine. Assigning specific spots for specific items is necessary, as is doing the same things at the same time every day, in order for me to be organized and not get too side-tracked or forget things, like take medication. I get up at least two hours early for me to meditate, follow down the rabbit hole of random stuff that pops into my mind, read or research various things.
2. I do not take anything distracting into meetings or conversations. This means that my phone or laptop are out of reach, or when doing remote meetings, I close all tabs so I can’t toggle between distractions like email. At home, I turn away from the desk, or pause the TV, etc. so I can fully hear what is being said.
3. I avoid websites, places, situations and people that trigger me and result in emotional or mental pain. For example, I deleted Twitter, never downloaded TikTok, disabled all notifications from social media and deleted at least half of my Facebook “friends.” I do not go to concerts and when I attend conferences, or work events, I interact with “safe” people.
Yes, my life and world is small, but this is simply how it has to be for the time being. If you are reading this and have questions, feel free to contact me and ask away.
