Although impulse control disorder exists, it is also one of the most difficult symptoms of ADHD. A lack of impulse control means having trouble controlling emotions or behaviors; and that has been by far the most devastating symptom.
I cannot recall how many people angrily went off on me, because I “can’t keep my mouth shut.” There are also those who never said anything to my face, but just retaliated, because I either said something I shouldn’t have, or said something no one else had the guts to say to them. I have a tendency to not only bring dishonesty, unfairness or hypocrisy to light, but tell people to their face; and in job situations, that will cost you your job, because your boss is simply not going to thank you for the honesty, but undermine you and find ways to get rid of you.
There are other things I have done that seem completely crazy to people, like moving far distances and to places I’ve never been at for jobs I should have researched better. Bringing my car in for an inspection and deciding to trade it in for a newer model while at the dealership. Deciding I don’t like any of my clothes anymore and need an entire new wardrobe. Shopping is something I have to be very mindful of, because I can get lost in just buying things I will never use or wear.
While these are the “tame” examples, in hindsight, there are hundreds of situations that could have gotten me in serious trouble or even killed me.
But why do I do or say these things? All I can say is that an odd thing occurs in my brain that I am aware of, but unable to stop or control, very much like one would be unable to stop a freight train. This behavior is especially noticeable when it comes to me “speaking up.” In almost all of the situations I spoke up about behaviors that violated the rights of others or conflict with societal norms. I feel the words come up in my head, I know that they will get me in trouble or potentially destroy my career or the relationship, but I am unable to stop them from spewing out of my mouth. There’s a distorted part of me that believes that people can be reasoned with, regardless of their ideology or “opinions,” because mine can be changed, should someone provide me with proof to the contrary of what I believe. Maybe they didn’t know that they were unfair or biased or otherwise a jerk?
As I said in the beginning, this has been the most heartbreaking and destructive part of my being – and it is the best weapon for narcissists and sociopaths to manipulate me. They figure out in no time that I am easily baited and aggravated, then will do or say things that get a reaction that they can and will immediately use against me. From convincing others that I am crazy, lying or harassing them, to making sure my credibility and reputation are destroyed, they gleefully watch – and while I saw it coming, I simply couldn’t stop myself from reacting.
If I could make one thing go away, it would be this one. I wish I was wired differently.
