I keep stumbling over the fact that self-awareness has nothing to do with intelligence at all. I find it difficult to be compassionate or understanding with highly manipulative, crazy or dysfunctional people, if they are either really intelligent, really educated, or worse, both of them. If someone is not too bright it makes it easier for me to understand how they’d lack certain abilities; unlike someone who “should know better.” They frustrate me to no end, because I cannot help but see their way of being as deliberate.
I have recently started to understand that this is not the case. Intellect says absolutely nothing about a person’s internal life; and that my friends, is a fact.
What is the common denominator for those who are not self-aware? That would be denial. And denial occurs at any social-economic status, upbringing, background, education or IQ.
It is hard for me to grasp. But then, if reason and logic would rule the world, we sure as hell wouldn’t have half of the problems on this planet.
While I intellectually understand why most people choose to live in denial and why it is incredibly painful and hard to look at oneself, instead of blaming others, I simply don’t get it internally.
Sure, I get that pain is something most people want to avoid, but I don’t get why the potential outcome is not enticing enough. I guess, it works well for me that I see many things in black and white. For me, it was simply “do you want to keep experiencing misery?” and “what do you have to lose? It sure as hell can’t get any worse than it already is right now.” That was enough for me to seek out help and stick with the work.
I keep mentioning the “rock-bottom” factor and I keep talking about how that rock-bottom never comes for those who are functional! This is also a fact, because those who can “pass” as sane, together, normal, productive and successful on the outside, will generally not only fool the majority, but also find plenty of enablers who won’t hold them accountable, because they haven’t really destroyed their own life. The fact that they are hurting and/or destroying those around them is usually swept under the carpet, because who wants to take the risk to actually confront them, when a) they won’t hear a word you’re saying anyway and b) there are plenty of those who don’t open their mouth, which means you are the one with the problem. As we know, the measure of what is acceptable is reached via statistics and the majority (which tend to be enablers in these cases) is not saying a word.
Watching the dynamics of such “crazy” people has made me much more selective about the company I keep. Having to cater my communication style and level of honesty to certain individuals who simply cannot be honest with themselves or others is too much work for me. Instead of constantly having to be a chameleon, I choose to rather spend time and space with those who will actually hear me from the place I am coming from, versus individuals who are being triggered by their own defense mechanisms designed to protect the many layers of denial they are in.
It is very difficult for me to understand denial at its finest. No matter how deep I found myself in denial, numbers would always wake me up. If one person tells me a thing, well, consider the source, but if 5, 10 or more people keep telling me the same, if my relationships or friendships are failing for the same reasons, year after year, maybe I need to take a closer look at what my role in all of it is.
I am learning to accept that intellect has nothing to do with being “enlightened,” or self-aware. I am also learning that nature seems to have put some strange rule in place, where highly intelligent people are often complete, social retards and utterly useless when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I prefer people who have a rich inner life, in both, heart and head. Sadly, it seems that kind is rare to find. Meanwhile, all I can do is invite people to take close stock of their life. Maybe that which you are guarding and protecting so closely by sticking your head in the sand is really not that worth guarding?
It all boils down to one simple questions: Are you happy? If not, maybe it’s time to start looking for the answers within, instead of searching for them, or worse, expecting them from an external source. But then, being unhappy is sometimes so much easier to do than actual holding oneself accountable and taking full responsibility. Because when all the BS is stripped down and you look at yourself in the mirror and start seeing yourself for who you really are, it might actually get scary or painful for a while and we all know that we are a society that is about nothing but instant gratification, total lack of integrity and utter unwillingness to really do the work.
So all I can do is simply avoid those “smart” people who will never get it on a interpersonal level and therefore never learn or evolve. For those who choose a drama free and happy life, I’d suggest to do the same!
