There was a survey recently at an ADHD forum I’m a member of, asking people if they would choose to get rid of their ADHD, if there was a “cure” developed, or if they would choose to keep it. Another question asked was if you’d consider ADHD, and potentially also occurring other types of neurodiversity (Autism or HSP are often co-existing in people with ADHD) as a superpower.
My response was immediate. I would give anything to be neurotypical! Period!
Why is that? Sure, I have some uncanny abilities that neurotypical people do not have. Among them the ability to solve problems in unusual ways. I see paths, sometimes lightning fast, that are hidden from others. I have more empathy and I can actually see true intentions of people. However, there is nothing supernatural going on here, my brain is just wired differently. On the flip side I am super sensitive to stimuli, especially sound. It is extremely difficult for me to keep my composure in stressful situations. For example, I HAVE to book a seat in the quiet compartment of the train. The ICE is about 840 feet long and has 17 cars, out of which there are FOUR quiet cars. Of course, on EVERY ride rude people ignore the signs and start laughing, talking loudly or having phone conversations. Remember, I have a hard time regulating emotions and thoughts. I am hyper sensitive and have an extremely strong sense of right and wrong/fairness. So when people behave like jerks ALL I now hear is their noise, while my anxiety rises and finally turns into rage, forcing me to flee to a place that is quiet, like the bathroom.
People think that I am super spontaneous. I’ve lived in four different countries, 3 of them for longer periods of time. Friends were often envious of these “abilities.” My life seemed so exciting. I was traveling the world for business, I worked for interesting companies and I broke all traditional paths for women, especially German women.
The truth though is that I wasn’t a magical, fearless, courageous and exciting being. I was undiagnosed, so all I knew was that I wasn’t normal and couldn’t fit, no matter how hard I tried and where I lived. No matter what “groups” I spent time with in school, or later, like Goths, hair band rockers, jocks, business people, I was always the odd woman out.
I have a couple of very distinctive memories from Kindergarten. The first one was me sitting, by myself, with a piece of cardboard and a red ribbon, practicing tying a bow. The second is how often I tried to hide from having to go out in the yard and play with the other children. I do not remember having friends in Kindergarten and it mostly stayed this way until 7th grade.
I wasn’t amazing, I was lonely. I felt isolated and overwhelmed by a world I didn’t belong in, and people I could not relate to. I seriously thought I was adopted and it went as far as me believing that I must have come from another planet. Kind of like Supergirl, minus the powers and the fame. When I finally did make friends, I often became the advisor. I became the fighter for others, the one going into battle when others couldn’t. I became class president and in the 8th or 9th grade I became school president. The funny thing is that I was terrified of conflict and would not necessarily speak up or protect myself, but all that went away when I saw someone else being unfairly treated, mistreated or suffering. I am like this to this day.
The price was always the same – I was alone, lonely and sad. There was no one around when I was the one who needed advice or support. I was always an adult; I do not remember ever being a child. Always at the wrong place, but mostly in the wrong time. People thought me weird and I was painfully aware of the same.
I’ve spent the majority of elementary school in the library. One was allowed to check out 5 books per week. I would read 5 books in a week. I was advanced in German, later on in English. I even attempted Latin for 2 years, but solace lied in knowledge and I had/have an unquenchable thirst for all things “different.” From the cosmos, to astrology, astronomy, philosophy, religion, unexplained phenomena (do ghosts and UFOs exist?) to neuroscience and psychiatry. I wanted to understand schizophrenia, manic depression, depression, and multiple personality disorders. I wanted to know what astral travel is, how quantum physics works. But mostly, I wanted to understand why people do the things they do, especially the horrible things.
I have a hard time retaining information, like my seat number in the train, which I literally have to look up 10 times, until it’s time to enter the train, when I empty my head and go, “OK! Today we are in car 3, seat 68!
However, when it comes to things like neuroscience, and the above mentioned topics, I remember almost everything! Now, this might be also due to the fact that I am AuDHD (autism and ADHD), but the ability to remember things I deem fascinating and capturing often does feel extraordinary. What sucks is when I get stuck attempting to talk about these things to someone else. It’s difficult for me to stop bombarding someone with an endless stream of words/info and hiding my excitement and passion, which is often overwhelming and annoying for neurotypical people.
But even as I write all of this, the short answer is, I feel debilitated, I feel I don’t belong, I feel “wrong” and “broken” and yes, special, but not in a good way.
Neurotypical people do not understand and constantly misinterpret my actions and words. They attribute malice or selfishness to how I speak/what I say at the worst and being rude at best. Because they do not see or notice the things I do (for example someone being manipulative or a liar), they assume I am the issue This results in slides, insults, attacks and accusations that range from mild to so severe that they caused PTSD. In addition, my self-esteem got obliterated, I developed depression, anxiety and panic disorders, and at my worst, agoraphobia.
Yes, medication saved me. But by the time I received them, the damage had already been done and I have to start from scratch with rebuilding my psyche and regaining my mental health. This involves constant checking and maybe adding to or adjusting my medication, but also cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s like having been in a coma, or having had a stroke. I have to rebuild my mind and my personality is no longer the same. I have to relearn how to behave “right,” when it’s OK to speak or what I am allowed to say. Mostly though, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss.
For people who believe that ADHD can be “trained away” or is something one grows out of, or not real, I want to extend a heartfelt “screw you.” Now all I can do is share as much as I can, in hopes that other people do not have to go through the same battle.
