Recently there was a poll on an ADHD forum I’m a member of asking people if they would choose to get rid of their ADHD, if a “cure” was developed, or if they would choose to keep it. Another question asked if you’d consider ADHD, and possibly other types of neurodiversity (autism or HSP often coexist in people with ADHD), to be a superpower.
My answer was immediate. I would give anything to be neurotypical! Period!
And why is that? Sure, I have some uncanny abilities that neurotypical people do not have. Among them is the ability to solve problems in unusual ways. I see ways, sometimes in a flash, that are hidden from others. I have more empathy and can actually see people’s true intentions. However, there is nothing supernatural going on here, my brain is just wired differently. On the other hand, I am super sensitive to stimuli, especially sound. It is extremely difficult for me to keep my composure in stressful situations. For example, I HAVE to book a seat in the quiet section of the train. The ICE is about 840 feet long and has 17 cars, of which there are FOUR quiet cars. Of course, on EVERY ride, rude people ignore the silent signs and start laughing, talking loudly, or making phone calls. Keep in mind that I have a hard time regulating my emotions and thoughts. I am hypersensitive and have an extremely strong sense of right and wrong. So when people act like jerks, all I hear now is their noise, while my anxiety increases and eventually turns to rage, forcing me to flee to a quiet place, like the bathroom.
People think I am super spontaneous. I’ve lived in four different countries, three of them for a long time. Friends were often jealous of these “skills. My life seemed so exciting. I traveled the world for business, worked for interesting companies, and broke all the traditional paths for women, especially German women.
But the truth is, I wasn’t a magical, fearless, brave, exciting being. I was undiagnosed, so all I knew was that I wasn’t normal and I didn’t fit in, no matter how hard I tried or where I lived. No matter what “groups” I hung out with in school or after I left school, like Goths, hair-band rockers, jocks, business people, I was always the odd woman out.
I have a couple of very distinct memories from kindergarten. The first was sitting alone with a piece of cardboard and a red ribbon, practicing tying a bow. The second is how often I tried to hide from going out into the yard to play with the other children. I don’t remember having any friends in kindergarten, and it mostly stayed that way until 6th grade.
I wasn’t great, I was lonely. I felt isolated and overwhelmed by a world I didn’t belong in and people I couldn’t relate to. I seriously thought I was adopted, to the point where I thought I must have come from another planet. Kind of like Supergirl without the powers and fame. When I finally made friends, I often became the counselor. I became the fighter for others, the one who would go into battle when others wouldn’t or couldn’t. I became class president, and in 8th or 9th grade I became school president. The funny thing is that I was afraid of conflict and would not necessarily speak up or protect myself, but all that went away when I saw someone else being treated unfairly, mistreated, or suffering. I am like that to this day.
The cost was always the same – I was alone, lonely and sad. There was no one around when I was the one who needed advice or support. I was always an adult; I do not remember ever being a child. Always in the wrong place, but mostly in the wrong time. People thought I was weird, and I was painfully aware of it.
I’ve spent the majority of elementary school in the library. One was allowed to check out 5 books per week. I would read 5 books in a week. I was advanced in German, later on in English. I even attempted Latin for 2 years, but solace lied in knowledge and I had/have an unquenchable thirst for all things “different.” From the cosmos, to astrology, astronomy, philosophy, religion, unexplained phenomena (do ghosts and UFOs exist?) to neuroscience and psychiatry. I wanted to understand schizophrenia, manic depression, depression, and multiple personality disorders. I wanted to know what astral travel is, how quantum physics works. But mostly, I wanted to understand why people do the things they do, especially the horrible things.
I have a hard time remembering things like my seat number on the train, which I literally have to look up 10 times until it’s time to get on the train, when I clear my head and go, “OK! Today we’re in car 3, seat 68!
However, when it comes to things like neuroscience and the above topics, I remember almost everything! Now, this could also be due to the fact that I have AuDHD (Autism and ADHD), but the ability to remember things that I find fascinating and absorbing often feels extraordinary. What sucks is when I get stuck trying to talk about these things with someone else. It’s hard for me to stop bombarding someone with an endless stream of words/info and hide my excitement and passion, which is often overwhelming and annoying to neurotypical people.
But even as I write all this, the short answer is that I feel diminished, I feel like I don’t belong, I feel “wrong” and “broken” and yes, special, but not in a good way.
Neurotypical people do not understand and constantly misinterpret my actions and words. They attribute malice or selfishness to how I speak/what I say at worst and rudeness at best. Because they do not see or notice the things I do (e.g., someone being manipulative or a liar), they assume I am the problem, resulting in slights, insults, attacks, and accusations ranging from mild to severe enough to cause PTSD. In addition, my self-esteem was destroyed, I developed depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and at my worst, agoraphobia.
Yes, medication saved me. But by the time I got them, the damage was already done and now I have to start from scratch to rebuild my psyche and regain my mental health. This involves constant monitoring and maybe adding or adjusting my medication, but also cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s like being in a coma or having a stroke. I have to rebuild my mind and my personality is not the same. I have to relearn how to act “right,” when it’s okay to speak, or what I’m allowed to say. Most of all, I feel an overwhelming sense of loss.
To people who believe that ADHD can be “trained away” or that it is something you grow out of or that it is not real, I would like to say a heartfelt “screw you”. Now all I can do is share as much as I can in the hope that other people will not have to go through the same struggle.
