I used to have a strict “rule” about inviting people into my life. Well, let me take that back, I have/had many rules, but on the very top was always looking for people who are honest. By honest I meant honest with others and themselves. The problem is that I feel this rule might be completely unreasonable, given the sheer amount of BS we consistently tell ourselves to make things, namely our actions and words, acceptable, when we know we just blatantly missed the boat of integrity.

I am not pointing a single finger here. I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth and yet, I can “honestly” say that I lie, too. Actually, while I wear the hat of honesty, I might as well admit that I lie all the time. I’d like to think that I don’t really lie to others, but I do know that I lie to myself all the time, which inadvertently sparks dishonesty with others.

How many times do I tell someone “it’s OK” when it’s not? How many times do I tell someone that their actions and words didn’t hurt me when they did. How often do I play the strong one, when I am not? I have a reputation to defend. And sadly, all this crap I created is a rather large cage that contains at times my very core. Sometimes, I don’t even know anymore where my armor starts or ends. I know a great deal about coping and keeping everything under control and I think that might be the biggest fault of mine. What others see as strength seems nothing like a bunch of dishonest crap I fabricate to keep “the dream alive…”

Don’t we all do that? Do we resign ourselves to mediocracy so we can feel a false sense of security and safety, while continuing our path of dishonesty? Because how hard is it to truly look at yourself in the mirror, maybe laugh, maybe cry and yell “You are a complete farce! Now get up and stop fixing, controlling, holding on and just let it all go to hell!” How great would it be to look at life with an almost morbid curiosity and declare yourself to be honest from now on; if not with others, at least with yourself! I think that space is where true freedom would start.

I think I may simply have to try that and report back.