I recently realized that my understanding of love and what it truly is has changed; and keeps changing as I get older and wiser. While some may wonder now if I have gotten cynical, bitter, disillusioned or “sad,” I would argue that quite the contrary has occurred.
Like most girls, I grew up hoping for, what Hollywood at least, sold as the perfect love. You’ll meet your soulmate, usually by some amazing divine intervention, you lay eyes on each other and everything else around you stops moving. And from that moment on you are one, forever. You have kids and a family and you buy a house and you grow into the amazing unit of unwavering unity we were all taught we are entitled to have. Then I grew up and things changed.
So, I wanted to share how I evolved from a wide-eyed romantic, to someone who still believes in love above all with all her heart, but merely adjusted what the meaning of such love truly is and most importantly, how it comes about.
See, even as a child I wondered if undying love and everlasting bond exist. Being the product of a mother who was married five times and a dad who was also married five times, along with an aunt who is currently on her third, miserable marriage, all I ever saw is that love fails. Until I realized that it isn’t love that fails, but our expectations and our very being as we grow older and define what is important to us. This is also when I learned that love, in itself, is not enough when it comes to the real world. The real world which requires us to pay bills, have jobs (sometimes jobs we didn’t want, but jobs that paid the bills) and a certain willingness to conform, if we want to be somewhat successful. I learned that human beings are much more complex. I learned that feelings change, especially when you add emotional baggage, addiction, fear, anger issues and other unforeseen forces into the equation, such as basic compatibility! Yes, I’ve learned that love is not unconditional at all. Love is quite conditional, because love depends on so much more than just a warm fuzzy feeling.
Love, I have learned, is not a chemical reaction. You know, this crazy “in-love” feeling you have, when nothing else matters and you literally do see the world through rose colored glasses and stubbornly refuse seeing who a person truly is. This is when you accept and settle for things that you would otherwise never tolerate, such as the fact that someone may have severe issues with being honest. Or the fact that they drink too much, feel too little, do drugs, lie, have no ambition, and on the list goes. No, you stubbornly refuse to listen and to see, because you are in love! And this is also when you learn that this chemical, all powerful attraction lasts an average of 6 to mostly 12 months. Then reality sets in and you are stuck with whom they truly are; which is when the issues begin.
As I grow wiser, I have learned to understand love as a true appreciation and deep respect for another and who they are – short-comings included! Out the window went the expectation for someone else to complete me and be nearly perfect. I realized that looks and attraction fade, but that character and being generally do not. I set out to find someone who I can respect, genuinely like, sit and talk to, spend time and space with and someone who helps me grow and accepts me for all that I am, just the way I am. I realized that love is still an attraction, so yes, initially I still need to find the person attractive, but what constitutes this attraction and in order for me to stay attracted, there are traits that overwrite the original expectation and wishful thinking of the tall, dark haired, probably slightly “bad” boy who would sweep me off my feet. Instead, I found that the key to my heart takes a different set of skills these days. The key is through intellect and my mind first – can he hold a conversation about anything and especially the things that are important to me/interest me, can he make me laugh, can he challenge my beliefs and opinions and does he have the ability to listen and speak? Is he honest, self-aware and kind, or does he numb, distract, run and pretend? Does he look at me and think “blah, blah,” I just want to have sex already/watch TV, etc., or does he share his thoughts with me?
I have found that all I truly want is a best friend and true partner in crime. I have read studies who claim that your man should never serve as your friend and I couldn’t disagree more. While I don’t want him to be my only friend (I sure as hell don’t want to discuss my PMS with him), I want him to be my closest friend and confidant, because if he can’t be that, he can’t be my lover either. Yes, the saying that the largest sex organ is the brain is true. If he can’t stimulate my brain, he can’t stimulate my heart and if he fails in that, he won’t stimulate my body for long either. As a person who never was truly interested or capable of one-night-stands, this holds even more true.
I am finding that being able to form a friendship first may be the key for me to build a loving relationship. Because if I don’t have to censor, which I won’t when I don’t feel I need to be “on,” like I do when I am dating, and if he still loves being around the true and raw me, chances are, we can, are you ready, grow in love.
I have learned that I grow in love, I don’t fall in love anymore. My heart is not closed. My heart is open, it’s just that it takes a different and probably larger key to get to it these days and I think that’s OK and will keep me from settling for mad chemistry and lack of substance. The best bond is that we choose to have, not the one we are forced to have because we are addicted to someone, can’t be alone, feel miserable, lonely or otherwise inadequate. And I happen to make that choice easier if I find that being around someone makes me happy and feel at ease – just the way I do when I am around my best friends.
So here is a cheer to being with your best friend, lover and partner in crime, versus your prince charming and opposite that is supposedly so attractive.
