Recently my friend told me how her best friend of over 10 years not only betrayed her (in the most douche-baggish way one can think of), but then spent the past few months bad-mouthing her, befriending her friends and family on Facebook and even inviting them to her wedding. She also told me how she got rid of everyone who even remotely associates with this ex-best friend; and of course, how she had to explain to one of her family members why it is not OK, and why it hurts her, when the people who are supposed to be loyal to her, betray her by associating with someone who deeply wounded and betrayed her and now goes deliberately after her friends!

I hugged her and told her that none of it shocks me. I have been in this situation enough times and what always baffled me the most is that I had to explain it! I had to explain that I cannot call you a friend when you openly associate with those who harmed, hurt, betrayed and still bad-mouth me. I remember one such “friend” who justified her behavior with the following words “Not all of us are happily married. I need all the friends I can get.” Since then I have disassociated from all of those who are wishy-washy, fair-weather friends.

Both, my friend and I were born and raised in Germany. We come from a country where integrity and loyalty are valued considerably higher than in Los Angeles, where self-serving and superficial seems to be the norm quite often. When one we cared about was hurt, it was our duty to protect, support and care for them, until their heart was mended. If someone hurt your friend, they are hurting you! Done; end of story! It would have never occurred to us to hook up or associate with exes of any form; be it an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or an ex-friend. I had one friend in particular, who would literally beat the hell out of anyone who was bad-mouthing me. I remember her walking up to one such ex-friend of mine, who was spreading rumors about me. My friend, Daniela, walked up to the chick in the middle of a club, while the chick was surrounded by her new friends. She grabbed her and told her “If you EVER as much as say another word about Carmen and I’ll find out about it, I’ll kick your friggin’ teeth in.” Said chick never said another word about me. The winner, I was not even there when it happened. To this day, the phrase “character pig” is one of the largest insults one can dish out in German.

This type of loyalty and integrity has been hard to come by here for us. It took me many years to find my true friends, of which I have less than a handful. Two of my closest friends are middle-Eastern and each one has battled the same issues I struggle with at some point or another here; even though one of them was born and raised here.

When you call people on their bad behaviors, they most often don’t own up to it. They don’t apologize, but instead justify and blame, then go behind your back. I remember calling one of my “friends” on publically insulting me, asking her why she would say such things. She got angry and told me to “f*** off,” and was never heard from again.
These days we don’t honestly talk to each other, we passively aggressively call names and then delete people from Facebook. Deleting has become the ultimate coward weapon to hide behind. And it is amongst my greatest pet peeves and biggest triggers for me. Some people just let it go, but to those of us who have been betrayed and abandoned by those who were supposed to protect us, care for us, love us or be our friends, this behavior continues to be detrimental to our well-being. Would it not be for tools I have learned from professionals, I would probably live a life filled with bitterness, anger, distrust and sadness. Alas, I have learned to deal with those of low character; they are no longer allowed in my life, period.

I don’t understand those who claim to care for you or even love you and then call you petty, controlling or unreasonable when you ask them to please not associate with those who have hurt you. It also baffles me when people tell me that I must be a very angry or bitter person, when I voice how confused, angry, hurt or offended I am by utter lack of integrity and loyalty; while the same people never seem to read or comment on any of my positive posts or words, which I spew much more often than sad, angry or negative ones these days.

Maybe because I don’t understand our world, which seems predominantly populated by self-serving, superficial cowards, who’d leave your butt in a heart-beat, if you as much as mutter any words that hold them accountable. I still feel puzzled by these behaviors, enough so to keep thinking out loud, questioning and getting it out of my system.

I used to feel very alone and isolated when I was younger. These days I am proud to be who I am and happy that I have found and keep finding those who are on the same page, have the same goals and abide to the same honor system. It makes it all worth-while and it puts things in perspective. After all, there is nothing more rewarding than finding that a seemingly useless fight you are fighting is, in fact, fought by quite a few others. Strength might be in numbers, but foremost it is in doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. Strength comes in the satisfaction of living one’s life to the fullest; living it with integrity, decency and honor. There is more satisfaction in quality than in quantity. True love for oneself can only arise when we are able to look at ourselves in the mirror, knowing that we are a truly good and decent person; namely one others are happy and proud to know. Because this is when we start affecting others with light, instead of infecting them with neediness, drama and darkness. Hence, we draw what we truly want and desire in life. Strength and happiness come from courageously standing consistently in strong character, no matter what life or people throw at you and to get back up when the same individuals knock you down temporarily.

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