I truly believe that melancholy is one of the most misinterpreted emotions out there. It is easily confused with depression or sadness; but for me it is neither.
Melancholy has been a steady friend of mine for most of my life. It walks alongside me as I grow older, and goes back to the time I was a mere child. I enjoy it so much because it has always served me as a great muse for poetry, writings and dreams. It takes me through time, around it, beyond it and past it; stretches me to be present, even though most would interpret melancholy as an escape.
It is due to melancholy I enjoy rain so much. I love thunder and lightning and steady rain. It cleans the air, just like melancholy washes away what’s been stored and should have been let go or purged within me.
I find myself lost in melancholy, completely enveloped and finally able to surrender and lose control. No other emotion achieves this so easily. I trust it so deeply that I can let myself fall and explore what is hidden within me. I can go to my “happy place.” I can relax into it without a need to control what comes to mind or heart. Within this space, I find liberation and freedom and happiness.
I remember when I was in school and would daydream. My teacher thought this was a great concern. Well, all my teachers did. From 1st grade on I had notes in my report card, stating that “Carmen seems to be unresponsive and has a hard time concentrating.” “Carmen needs to learn how to focus better. She needs to pay better attention, especially in Math.” This theme continued all the way through trade/business school. Teachers would get angry, because they felt I purposely ignored them. They would get annoyed when I would complete an assignment, humming, seemingly lost in what I did. They’d ask me to stop humming, just to scold me a mere 3 minutes later, as I, absentmindedly, started all over again.
I always could, and always will, find solace in staring across the ocean, out of a window, being in a forest (how I love the smell of pine and how I miss forests and the ripe smell of earth), a meadow or a garden. I can spend vast amounts of time imagining things that might be and remembering good things that happened in the past. I enjoy melancholy because I enjoy silence. I enjoy being alone; I do not know boredom or lack of connectedness as I explore my core; being alone recharges my batteries. I do not enjoy being in crowds, but at times, can be found feeling melancholic in a crowd.
Melancholy, my true friend, my muse, my creator, my solace and my place to turn to when the world and its people no longer make sense to me. I shall always cherish you for the wisdom you have given me and the longing and the slight, bittersweet pain you provide me as I rush down your rabbit hole of crazy serenity.
Permalink
found a soulmate