The path of “darkness” is the easiest path, because it is the path of least resistance. This is why it is much more tempting to keep doing the wrong thing. Plus, in our current society there aren’t too many consequences to doing the wrong thing, because there are many other like-minded individuals who are on the same path of least amount of work for the highest payout possible. It is easy to play the blame game and even easier to remain in a lovely bubble of denial and illusion. I would almost say that “dark” is the default mode of human beings, because by design we are wired to “go with the flow” and swim downstream, as well as exercise power over those we perceive as weaker and seek out those who support us in our illusions. We are herds in which the most persuasive pack leaders form the opinions of the followers. This is also how wars are fought, how dictators succeed, how kings ruled and how atrocious crimes are committed.
The path of “light” on the other hand, wards no quick successes. It requires hard work, constant reflection and self-awareness; being open minded and hearted and always trying to grow, while seeking out truth. There is nothing quick or easy about it. The individuals traveling on this path are much harder to find, don’t usually flock together and hardly ever travel with the herd. Unfortunately, they don’t really stand out that often either. They are usually unnoticed, because they are not that driven by ego; hence, they are not the squeaky wheels who make the most noise or appear/dress the loudest. And lastly, they don’t really claim enlightenment, certain abilities or above status, because there is no need for that (think the Dalai Lama, Ghandi or Mother Theresa). They carried/carry a light so big that it requires no explanation at all.
I cannot claim enlightenment and I am certainly not even close to a Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa. While I have tried from childhood on to travel the path of light, I have often failed and still at times fail miserably. When one is born and raised surrounded by darkness, it is very difficult to not let it become part of your being. We take on the attributes of that which surrounds us most of the time. This is what creates cycles that continue throughout generations. This is also why “like-minded individuals” attract each other.
My darkness consisted of fear, sadness, anger and regret. I had no ability to let go and I was so jealous of those who belonged to any group. I failed miserably in any type of clique or group setting. I mimicked their behaviors and still couldn’t pass for one of them, which caused more anger and more hurt within me. The pain, anger and fear I carried would make me swing wildly from being extremely strong and self-sufficient, to completely needy and weak. Life felt like one large sprint. I would run at 200 mph, then crash and burn, crawling at snail’s speed. I would learn certain lessons at the speed of light, jump from one level of evolution to the next within a week, and then not get other lessons at all, plateauing for years without any movement.
How did I get out of this hole and off the path of self-destruction? I guess it started with replacing the dark parts with light parts. I still had my ability to instinctively recognize light, so I would try to seek it out. The more I found examples of those traveling that path, the more I wanted it for myself. I wanted the peace of mind they seemed to sport. I wanted the joy and balance they seemed to experience most of the time, no matter what was thrown at them. I reevaluated who I was all the time and never stopped. I found some people who served as role models and kept me straight. After a while I knew when I was dwelling on the wrong side and when I was not.
It’s like learning to play the guitar. When you first start out you cannot really hold a tune, your fingers cramp and bleed and you are pretty far from making actual music. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes, until one day you are playing songs. The path of light for me is like learning the guitar. At times I still strike the wrong cord and my song sounds more like nails over a chalk board. My fingers are hurting and cramping and there are times when I want to give up, because “I’ll never be able to play like a true artist.” The work is miserable too. I spend hours in the gym and in therapy, practicing my new found skills in everyday life, while desperately trying to not fall back into my old ways, which are still very ingrained and persuasive. I read a lot again; watch less fluff and more educational programs.
In order to keep on the path I had to shed some of the baggage that was keeping me in the dark and there was nothing easy about that either. It was painful and difficult and wanted to make me give up more than anything else. Adding, in form of a trainer and therapist was easy; letting go of old ways and people who no longer served my well-being was heart-breaking. As I said in the beginning, I could not let go of anyone or anything.
I still second guess myself a lot. Courtesy of my old wiring. I still want to rekindle old friendships with people who have hurt me, walked out on me, betrayed me or simply were really shitty friends. I still loop at times about these individuals, re-feel the pain and blame myself for their behavior. However, these incidences have become less frequent. When I have a hard day or need to “cool off,” I go to the gym and do cardio. I will literally incline the treadmill up to the highest level, 15, and climb the mountain, literally and figuratively speaking. Or I sit in the steam room or sauna; go swimming for a few rounds or get a manicure. Sometimes I watch a kid’s DVD (I bought the 75 Year Anniversary Box Set of The Wizard of Oz), or go to the movies and watch the newest kid’s flick. Two days ago I was at Starbucks in the morning and played puppet show for my husband with one of the stuffed Christmas mice they had for sale. I bought him (his name is Huxley) and he is sitting on my desk now.
Doing the right thing and staying on the right path is hard work and yet, it has been the most rewarding journey thus far. More times than not I actually do wake up smiling. I sing a lot these days, I am much goofier and I sure as hell literally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is said that ignorance is bliss. This might be true on some level. Turns out though, there is more bliss to be experienced when one is actually aware, instead of ignorant 🙂
