It is said that often, ADHD goes undiagnosed in girls and women, because we learn to adapt and mask our issues. How did I end up even suspecting ADHD?
Well, I didn’t. I just always thought that something is severely wrong with me. This started very early on. I remember distinctively sitting in class when I was in about the 4th grade. I had already received notations like “Carmen seems absentminded and needs to concentrate more. Carmen seems to be daydreaming, but especially in Math she should pay more attention.”
In 5th grade, I remember an incident where I was completely lost in my own world, when I noticed a far away voice – the voice of my teacher – calling me. When I looked up, or came to, the entire class was staring at me, snickering, while my teacher looked at me questioningly. I would literally go away, disassociate and drift off; all the time. I remember there being conversations with my mother, but can’t remember the details or outcomes.
These situations kept happening. When I started my apprenticeship (I was born and raised in Germany), my manager would also call me back into reality, because I was “absentminded,” humming to myself while completing assignments, or “daydreaming.” She told me once that I could be the best in the entire class, if it weren’t for me being so lazy.
The thing is that I was never lazy. I just thought that I was escaping because my home-life was horrible. After all, I usually paid perfect attention when I was super interested in something, or really liked the topic. I still was among the top performers in my class, because I managed to get high marks in the subjects that interested me, and these grades were so high, that I easily made up for the ones where I wasn’t doing too well. Plus, I always did just enough to not fail any class, especially the ones I hated.
As I got older and started to work I needed to come up with hacks to function. These hacks included:
- Not bringing a laptop or mobile device into meetings, so I wouldn’t get distracted by them.
- When someone was entering my cubicle, I had to literally turn my back to the computer, otherwise I would just a) not pay attention to what the person was saying and b) probably snap at them for interrupting me.
- It is also difficult at times to pay attention to what people are saying to me. I may stare directly at them but not see them, and definitely not hear them. The embarrassment of having to ask people to repeat what they said is usually what forces me to focus, or ask if we can have the conversation at another time. With people I know and trust I will simply apologize and state that I missed what they just said. The hack is writing down what they are saying while they are speaking.
- Writing a blog, an article or creating a presentation is often hard. I have a detailed idea of what I want to say, I recognize the importance of it, too, but can’t remember the words or idea just a minute later.
- I write everything down, or it will get lost in the endless stream of words, thoughts and noise in my head, and I will not remember.
- Every appointment, or things like changing my toothbrush head, need to be on my calendar, even if it is just a few days away. I can even get lost in certain tasks and realize that I just missed a meeting. I fixed this issue by studying my calendar in detail every day and the day prior, to insure I’m there and on time.
- When I am setting out to do a task at home, I have to do it right away, or I will forget it and do something completely different. I cannot focus, so thoughts come and go so fast that I cannot keep up with them. I then get so overwhelmed that I completely shut down and get nothing done. I am combating this by keeping a strict regiment of tasks, knowing that I have to complete one thing before I start another, and knowing how to prioritize.
All of this is accompanied by a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, fear and anxiety: What if I forgot to do something? What if I didn’t do enough? What if others notice? I must be crazy. Something is wrong with me. I am worthless….
Navigating through life is now completely regimented, and kept as simple as possible, so I can manage, but I always feel like an imposter pretending to be functioning and afraid of failing. I am working on getting this resolved.
