It is said that ADHD often goes undiagnosed in girls and women because we learn to adapt and hide our problems. How did I come to suspect ADHD?
Well, I didn’t. I just always thought there was something seriously wrong with me. It started very early. I distinctly remember sitting in class when I was in about the 4th grade. I had already gotten notes like, “Carmen seems absentminded and needs to concentrate more. Carmen seems to be daydreaming, but especially in math she needs to pay more attention.
In 5th grade, I remember an incident where I was completely lost in my own world when I noticed a distant voice – my teacher’s voice – calling me. When I looked up or came to, the whole class was staring at me, giggling, while my teacher looked at me questioningly. I would literally disappear, dissociate, and drift off; all the time. I remember having conversations with my mother, but I can’t remember the details or the results.
These situations kept happening. When I started my apprenticeship (I was born and raised in Germany), my supervisor would also call me back to reality because I was “absent-minded,” humming to myself while doing assignments, or “daydreaming.” She once told me that I could be the best in the class if I wasn’t so lazy.
The thing is, I was never lazy. I just thought I was escaping because my home life was terrible. After all, I usually paid perfect attention when I was super interested in something or really liked the subject. I was still one of the top students in my class because I managed to get high grades in the subjects I was interested in, and those grades were so high that I easily made up for the ones where I didn’t do so well. Also, I always did just enough to avoid failing any class, especially the ones I hated.
As I got older and started working, I had to come up with hacks to function. These hacks included
- Not bringing a laptop or mobile device into meetings so I wouldn’t be distracted.
- When someone walked into my cubicle, I literally had to turn my back to the computer or I would a) not pay attention to what they were saying and b) probably snap at them for interrupting me.
- It is sometimes difficult to pay attention to what people are saying to me. I may be staring right at them, but not seeing them, and definitely not hearing them. The embarrassment of having to ask people to repeat what they have said usually forces me to concentrate or ask if we can have the conversation at another time. With people I know and trust, I simply apologize and explain that I missed what they just said. The hack is to write down what they say as they speak.
- Writing a blog, article, or presentation is often difficult. I have a detailed idea of what I want to say, I recognize the importance of it, but I can’t remember the words or the idea a minute later; or the words are just a crazy mess in my brain. I have to write everything down or it will get lost in the endless stream of words, thoughts and noise in my head and I will not remember.
- Every appointment or thing like changing the head of my toothbrush has to be on my calendar, even if it is only a few days away. I can even get lost in certain tasks and realize that I just missed a meeting. I’ve solved this problem by studying my calendar in detail each day and the day before to make sure I’m there and on time.
- When I start a task at home, I have to do it right away or I will forget about it and do something completely different. I can start 50 things in a day and complete none of them. I cannot concentrate, so my thoughts come and go so fast that I cannot keep up. Then I get so overwhelmed that I completely shut down and get nothing done. I fight this by keeping a strict regiment of tasks, knowing that I have to finish one thing before I start another, and knowing how to prioritize.
All of this is accompanied by a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety: What if I forgot to do something? What if I didn’t do enough? What if others notice? I must be crazy. There is something wrong with me. I am worthless.
Navigating through life is now completely regimented and kept as simple as possible so I can get by, but I always feel like an imposter pretending to function and afraid to fail. I am working to resolve this.
