“Please be honest,” are words we hear a lot from friends, family members and coworkers. But is honesty what they are actually asking for?
I was born and raised in Germany. We have a very different relationship with honesty than Americans do. We tend to be much more straight forward, candid/honest and we don’t think twice about answering when someone asks us to be honest.
Here, the lines are not so clear; and after living here for almost 28 years, it’s become increasingly clear to me why.
1. Americans are, above all, raised to be polite or politically correct. This means that they rarely state what they are truly thinking, and even less tell you the truth. It’s important to note that this isn’t done out of malice; it’s simply not something they are accustomed to. They just don’t know better and that makes it really difficult for people like me, who come from a more straight forward culture.
2. Beliefs are virtually impossible to shake or change. Our brain is designed for cognitive dissonance and information bias. When someone tells another an uncomfortable truth it will mostly result in that person doubling down on their beliefs – not questioning them. It takes constant vigilance and hyper-awareness of one’s thoughts, as well as keeping track of one’s own biases, blind spots, thought constructs and belief systems, which isn’t comfortable, or easy. It also requires humility and an open mind and heart to not just see when you might have been wrong, but owning up to it.
3. Diversity is often amiss. Most people will only or predominantly surround themselves with people who look, believe, think, feel and speak like them. It’s mostly an unconscious process where we automatically gravitate to those who are “like-minded.” But this like-mindedness also keeps many people in their comfortable and rather blissful world of ignorance. “What I don’t know can’t hurt me.” I would argue that any growth minded person should surround themselves with as many people as possible that are vastly different from them. Worldliness really helps as a great fact checker when it comes to beliefs, mindsets and learned behaviors. But again, going against the stream by picking people that “make you feel uncomfortable” is simply not something most people seek out. We are by design not creatures that enjoy feeling uncomfortable and avoid anyone and anything that makes us feel this way at all cost – including the cost of never growing.
The price that we, as a society, are paying for this lack of honesty, and therefore growth is steep. From science deniers, to those who feel a need to force their religion on others, bosses who run honest people into the ground/out of the door, companies that care only about profits and not people, and finally those friends who never speak to you again after being truthful, we are surrounded by people who politely lie and are anything but honest with not just others, but also themselves. We are living in a world where speaking truth and speaking up can have dire consequences. Think about whistle blowers in government or companies, or women who spoke up against sexual assailants, or even just a simple one, thinking about the time when you’ve had to share with your friend an uncomfortable truth and the result was them walking out on you.
It’s looking bleak these days for truth seekers and speakers. As truth speaking is punished and political correctness and looking the other way is rewarded, it’s downright depressing at times for some of us. So, next time someone asks you to please be honest, maybe ask first if they are asking for honesty, or simply someone to commiserate with; and if they are seeking honesty, be candid, don’t be obnoxiously rude, blunt or mean. If you are the one seeking honesty, always thank those who took the risk of being truthful. Know that candid honesty always implies that a person cares and anyone who cares enough to tell the truth is worth having around, so don’t punish those who trusted you enough with their truth.
