What is RSD? Well, it’s all the things shown in this picture and it’s a real thing that accompanies ADHD.
Many people may claim now that we all have fear of rejection and that this is nothing special, etc., but for us it is much more than just fear of rejection, and I felt that I need to go into more detail about that.
For me, rejection and a certain type of criticism (mainly the nonempathetic, judgmental, personal type) results in severe pain that is both, physical and emotional. For me, it is also a major contributor to lots of trauma, depression and anxiety, as well as a suicide attempt and two hospitalizations. It changed who I am significantly and robbed me of living the life I deserved.
What exactly does this mean? Well, I avoided any sports or situations that were competitive. I wouldn’t enter school competitions, play team sports and I wouldn’t apply for jobs, because I felt shame and fear of rejection. Worse, I feared that I would be given reasons that would send me into a tail spin of self-loathing and doubt. I felt that I wasn’t as intelligent as others, because no intelligent person would make some of the decisions I’ve made or enter some of the arguments I’ve entered.
My entire life I felt that there was something seriously wrong with me. When I was a child I thought that I was adopted; it felt literally as if I am not even from the same planet. The way I viewed the world and the people in it was very different from everyone else. Of course, I was often made wrong for what I thought, how I behaved or spoke.
Here is one example that would repeat itself for years. I had/have an unusual ability to read people. I would know when someone is lying, when someone is feeling insecure, even though they are projecting self-confidence and would often “know” who a person really is, regardless of what they portrayed on the outside. I attributed this ability to a difficult childhood, because my survival/well-being was dependent on accurately reading tone of voice, body language and facial expression, as well as the ability to predict what the person would do next. This ability comes so natural to me that it never occurred to me that others cannot do the same.
What does that mean? Well, I was able to tell in an interview who was telling the truth and who was a potential future HR issue. In one company this was so well known that managers would ask me to interview their candidates, because my assessment of people was so accurate.
I remember years ago, one executive asked me why I didn’t tell him that a person he had picked would turn into a problem, and while I explained it to him, it also finally sunk in that other people truly did not see what I saw. The problem was, I figured that this was due to the fact that there was something wrong with ME! I felt that if everyone else beliefs, experiences and sees certain things that I do not, the problem must lie with me, because I am the odd woman out. The best therapist I had when I was still in my 20s explained to me that “normal” is simply a matter of numbers/statistics. What is deemed normal is merely what the majority does, which definitely meant that I was not normal and therefore had no chance getting the promotion, winning the race, getting the job, etc. It was also really frightening, because I frequently believed that the majority is anything but normal.
When I was 23 years old I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. When I was diagnosed with ADHD at 54 and learned about RSD I couldn’t help but wonder if fibromyalgia is not simply a physical manifestation of my inner turmoil, anxiety, fear and stress that comes from endless years of masking, censoring and attempting to hide who I am.
The last thing I want to add here is that RSD is not the same thing as fear of failure. Just like “isn’t everyone these days suffering from ADHD” it is equally as toxic to tell me that you definitely understand this, because you, too, suffer from imposter syndrome or fear of failure. ADHD and RSD are not things I can overcome with meditation or cognitive behavioral therapy (although they do help). They are not the same as feeling insecure and working on my self-esteem. No, in order for me to actually function and not turn agoraphobic, or live on daily doses of Xanax, I need to take medication that is specifically designed to add the two hormones my brain does not produce sufficiently: dopamine and norepinephrine.
I do hope that more education happens when it comes to ADHD, autism, hypersensitivity, etc., but until then, the world remains a often scary and treacherous place that is not designed to help us succeed.
