Has it ever happened to you that you watched the actions of someone who truly shines in being insensitive and selfish and sells these traits as confidence with a bow of “if you love me/care for me, you should accept all parts of me, including the douche baggish ones.” You know what? Not so much! There is a huge difference between confidence and selfishly pushing your agenda for the sake of your own gratification and ego. There is a very clear line between being selfish and arrogant and being confident and loving. So how does one strike the balance?
When we are self confident, we act from a place of knowing who we are and where we are going. Confidence comes from a place within and is obtained by positive thoughts, followed with positive actions and being rewarded with positive outcomes. The intent is to do what’s best for your higher good and therefore often intertwines with was is good for others. Confidence is a peaceful, quiet place – not fueled by ego, fear, need to prove, please or impress another. Confidence is fueled by knowledge and inner power. Ego has no place here. Confidence is an ever changing and evolving flow of experiences, created by positive actions, aligned by the intent we have set in regards to whom we want to become and where we want to go.
Arrogance, while often appearing as confidence is fueled by a selfish reason to appease one’s whims and desires, without care for consequences to others. Arrogance is fueled by ego, fear, insecurity, narcissism, a need to prove, impress and gloat. Hence, arrogance goes hand in hand with selfishness. It is built on quicksand with a house of cards and will blow over when challenged or proven otherwise. Arrogance comes with a disregard for other’s feelings and leaves no room for growth or error; it is rigid in nature. Arrogance is by design unkind and unloving; not just towards others, but to oneself.
So how does confidence and selfishness go together? Well, let’s first break down how we define “selfish.” Personally, I don’t care for the word selfishness too much. I like to define doing what is best for me as setting boundaries. I find doing what is best for me, usually goes hand-in-hand with doing what is best for those around me, because I cannot be at my personal best and operate at my highest level, when I am off balance and feeling overwhelmed, unloved, ignored, angry, overextended, taken for granted, etc. – you get the gist.
When I set my boundaries and do what is best for me, I tend to usually not hurt others in the process, because doing what is best for me involves surrounding myself with those who deserve my time, space and love. Setting my path with confidence and self-love means that I choose situations, people, jobs and outcomes carefully, based on the notion and intent that these will serve my higher good.
So let’s examine this within the realm of being an introvert. Wouldn’t it make sense for me to require large amounts of alone time to recharge my batteries and hence, push away those I care about here and there? Confidence has given me the ability to recognize that I do require recharging of my batteries and then set the boundary by clearly stating when it becomes too much to be out and about. Confidence has also given me the ability to define these boundaries in a way that does not hurt or push away another by simply asking to stay in and watch a movie, for example, or asking to stay behind from this concert everyone is going to. Being loving and caring gives me the ability to allow another to freely choose if they want to be part of Carmen’s hamster ball of quiet, or partake in the rowdy bits without me, when I am feeling overwhelmed. Either way, my actions are loving and allow for both to get what they want, without being pushed away, or feeling selfishly imposed upon.
It is possible to be all of you and have your boundaries and needs respected within relationships and friendships; provided you choose wisely. People may often feel that they cannot be themselves or need to lose themselves when being with someone, but I found that the opposite can be true – when we have the confidence, experience and wisdom to choose for our higher purpose. The people, situations and outcomes we choose and act upon within this realm do not infringe on our well-being, but instead help us grow and become continuously more confident and the butt kicker we set out to be. When we choose from confidence and love, we choose what is best for us, almost 100% of the time, so the need to feel selfish, unkind and douche baggish also diminishes. The right people recognize light and intent and therefore won’t interfere, but add to it.
