I used to be a strong believer in Karma; amongst a whole slew of other things of a so called “spiritual nature.” Until the day it just died.

I am not sure I can recall a certain day or time; nor would I say that my beliefs died a sudden death. But rather, the process was gradual and slow, until I had to fess up one day that maybe, just maybe, none of it was true.

There was a time in my life, namely when I was a small girl, when angels, supernatural powers, god(s), guardians and all the other things of that nature served me well. There was a time when I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have survived without them. To this day, I still cannot quite bring myself to proclaim that I am an atheist. There was/is a certain “magic” in believing that there is purpose and meaning to my life and actions; and I admit, there was/is a certain comfort in believing that “bad” people get what they deserve and “good” people get what they deserve. But being the logical and rational person that I am, I simply cannot believe in these things any longer. I am saddened to admit that I simply don’t see the evidence.

Since I was little I have seen my fair share of “bad” people. Not just in my life, but in other people’s lives, too. I have seen the best people, the most generous and kind people, get hit with losses so profound and huge that I admired them for the sheer strength of continuing their life; but more so, for continuing to believe. I have met a lot of “bad” people, but must admit that the vast majority of them were mean, spiteful, cowardly, bitter, narcissistic and abusive not because they chose to be, but because someone/something made them that way. And by definition, that meant they weren’t really evil in a traditional sense, but simply hurt, bitter and well, just jerks. I can honestly claim that I have only met a couple of people who I consider truly evil – sociopaths/psychopaths, whatever you want to call them. The important part though is that I didn’t see it “come around.” Not for them and definitely not for the amazing people who didn’t deserve the card they were handed.

Some of the worst people lived happily ever after. Some of the best lost everything. And there is no rhyme or reason. There is no rhyme or reason for rape, torture, child abuse, murder and killings (and that’s just naming the worst offenses) and there is no payment for those who commit these crimes. There is no bill being served to those who have destroyed lives with their careless, mean, selfish and stupid actions. There is no reward for those who lived “by the book,” quite literally. I no longer subscribe to “he works in mysterious ways” when horrible things happen and “it must have been his will” when good things do. I still admire the Dalai Lama, but karma, well, karma is just a bunch of man invented BS, too.

It’s not that I ridicule people who need/want to believe. It’s more a baffled sense of awe that no logic or even evidence can convince them otherwise. Working in fraud prevention, I watch bad people getting away with billions of dollars and identities – without consequence. I read the news and see that a bunch of “believers” picketed a funeral, a Planned Parenthood or a gay wedding and just shake my head in disgust. I cannot fathom under which circumstance anyone would subscribe and believe in anything that hurts others – and I don’t care what religion we are talking. Maybe I find hate in the name of a god or prophet even more despicable.

It’s been a long and sometimes super hard life. I am the master of my destiny now. But I am so, because I believe in myself and always, always at least try to do and say the right thing, even though I fail quite miserably at times. Alas, I think I simply ran out of god(s) and a believe in karma and know only one thing: Nothing is certain and anything and everything can be gone and taken from you, at a moment’s notice. Hence, I take nothing and no one for granted; and that is all I can muster.

Today, I sadly must admit, that karma and god died for me. But I am still holding out on an afterlife. Because, the light tunnel is a much better image than nothingness.