I grew up in complete chaos. There was my mother, an emotionally unstable and volatile person, at times highly controlling, manipulative and abusive. And then there was my father, an alcoholic, abusive, sadistic and perverted man, with a moral compass pointing straight down to his groin. By the time I turned 8 I knew how to take care of an entire household, I was my mother’s counselor and confidant and I knew things no kid should ever have to know. This started a journey of crazy patterns, pain and abuse that would last throughout most of my life; until I started to turn my path around and learned how to thrive, versus merely cope and survive.

I learned at an alarmingly quickly rate. I grasped concepts most adults won’t grasp, I knew how to make decisions and I knew how to hold it together. I became really good in coping and even better in rescuing and taking care of others. I was used to being either abused or ignored and drew my conclusions from there. These included that I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t allowed to have  boundaries, that everyone else is more important than me and that I am pretty worthless. I also made a strange “pact” with god when I was in 3rd grade, in which I decided to become an “angel” and help people. I vowed to “god” that I would never become like the people in my life, including the mean bullies in school, my unstable mother, my abusive dad and my always angry family.

Times were bleak all the way through 5^th grade, where I had pretty much no friends and was teased and bullied by the “popular” and pretty kids. I had to make daily deals with god because I really didn’t want to live here. I wanted to be in heaven with the angels and I deeply distrusted “humans.” I felt that most people had an ulterior motive, were selfish, cruel and miserable and I wanted no part of this. By the time I became a teenager I was a complete mess!

I had always done well in school. I had this amazing talent to attract those who needed help. I had taken the idea of standing up for the underdog to a whole, new level and would get in the face of bullies. This earned me not only respect but popularity. In the 6^th grade I started to make friends, because I learned how to stand up for myself, which earned me respect. By 9th grade I was school and class president. Wherever someone was mistreated, I’d step in to defend them. By the time I was 17 I was so miserable that I completely hated life; by 19 I had looked up a therapist in the phone book, because I felt I needed help. Needless to say, it didn’t work.

Shortly before my 21st birthday I met my ex-husband, a tall, handsome American, who studied international business and marketing in a fancy school in Germany. We dated for two years and then got married and moved to the States. We lasted for almost 6 years, and then divorced; by that time I was on my second therapist. I had started in Germany with an American woman my ex mom-in-law took me to. She focused on my childhood trauma, by “forcing” me to remember things I wasn’t ready to remember. As a result, I fell apart and was rendered fairly useless, which contributed to my marriage falling apart. When I got to the States, I found a great therapist who taught me about making decisions instead of being indecisive. He would listen to me and he cared a great deal about me.

I was 27 and completely alone in a foreign country. I thought that what I had learned in therapy was enough to continue on a happy path. At least I knew how to make up my mind now and how to stand up for my decisions. I thought this would suffice and “happily” continued my crazy path of rescuing and saving people. I had decided that I needed to stand up for others, because no one stood up for me; regardless if they wanted my help or not!
I could spot the wrong kind from a million miles away. I was magically drawn to them and felt a strange bond that no one else would be able to understand! I did the same in my friendships. I continuously built relationships with addicts, emotionally cold and detached people, those who were cruel, selfish, mean, mentally and emotionally damaged or otherwise damaging to me. I would find them jobs, let them live with me, lent them money, let them drive my cars, fed them, helped them move or would go after their abusive friends and partners.

By the time I reached my mid 30s I was exhausted, drained and even more broken. I ended up in the psych ward with a nervous break-down; for two weeks. Sadly, I must report that these were probably amongst the best two weeks in my life! I got released one day before Christmas. I went to Redondo Beach and stayed with my friend for a few days. I, the one who always had so much to say, ran out of words. I was quiet and withdrawn; I was also on enough meds to tranquilize an elephant. There were meds for panic attacks, sleeplessness and depression. I was floating; I was also a complete zombie.

Unfortunately, it didn’t end there for me. I went back to work. Hardly anyone knew where I had been, because I was scheduled to be out for 6 weeks for shoulder surgery. I threw myself into my work and two months later, got into another toxic relationship, which lasted almost 2 years.

The universe/life has a funny way to hit you on the head with a 2×4 if you refuse to learn the lesson. I was no exception. Despite all my studies in philosophy, kabbalah, religion, psychology and psychiatry, I had insisted that the duck was not a duck, but an elephant. Hence, almost two years to the day after being released from the psychic ward I found myself completely lost and alone. I had been dumped by the guy I was with and my company laid me off after more than 7 years from my job as a Sr. Manager; after I got back from Germany to support my best friend, whose mother was dying from lung cancer.

A small voice inside of me reared its head, urging me to change my path and learn the lesson. But, ladies and gentlemen, I still wasn’t done. Oh no, I embarked on the most ridiculous journey yet, and started a fling with a meth addict…whom I bought a car! Not until I sat in the car dealership, unable to walk away, even though everything inside of me was screaming for me to run away, did I realize that there was something severely wrong with me. I stopped dead in my tracks, determined to find out why I had no ability to say “no,” and why I did the stupid things I did. I was totally and completely done.

This was more than 2 years ago. In this time I got married, I started a new career with a new company, I started cognitive behavioral therapy, a work-out regime with a personal trainer, a new diet, I quit smoking and overhauled myself inside and out completely. I lost almost 15% of my body fat, I completely chopped off my hair, dyed it blue and shed a huge load of my emotional and mental baggage. What did I learn in the process? I learned how to recognize sick from healthy behaviors and actions. I learned how to set boundaries and most importantly how to make myself the number one above everyone! I learned that if I am not healthy, I cannot expect to be around those who are. I was sick and tired of being a victim and of being miserable. I gave up all attachment to relationships or friendships, stopped trying to please people and instead made it all about me. I was and am my number one priority. I have successfully removed any and all situations and people that are a detriment to my emotional, mental and physical well-being. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is where true happiness and living begins, and miserable existing and mere coping ends!

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