Today is an “early” day. I got home at 6 PM, I fed the cats and dogs and then I walked the dogs. I got up at 6 AM; I was in the office at 8 AM. This is how it goes. I get up at 6 AM, I get into the office between 7:30 AM and 8:00 AM, and I get home between 6:00 PM and 8:30 PM, depending on how many fires I had to put out and depending on how many meetings I had and how much I got done. I schlepp my laptop home, because you never know if you need to respond to some important email from another source, besides the work phone.
I feel frustrated with myself. I have a career; I think I have close to 40 people right now. Last time I counted there were 37. It feels like I have over 30 kids sometimes. Each one has different needs and wants and all deserve equal attention. I am not complaining. I am just baffled how other people do it; the career, the kids, husband, house, working out, looking amazing, blah, blah, blah.
Sure, I should come home, prepare or at least eat a balanced meal, run over to my yoga class and … geez, I forgot to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. Instead, I want to sit down and play “Candy Crush,” or some other mind numbing game. I don’t want to move, I couldn’t care less that my body needs work. I could/should lose more weight, I should/could be a size 4, if I only tried harder. I feel I owe it to my husband, to society, to the world. I need to be successful, work hard, eat right, work out and be a productive member of society; while looking perfect. I live in Los Angeles. Aging and not being perfect is frowned upon. I am tired.
I wonder what gene I am missing. I mean, there are women out there who are successful corporate types, have children, husbands and look amazing. All I want to do is sleep. I want to go home and not do anything at all. I am too tired to even make a sandwich. Sometimes, I grab some crackers, an egg, a couple pieces of string cheese and call it dinner. Other times, I am too tired to even eat. I want a box of cookies, or maybe a bar of chocolate. Thank god I don’t buy that stuff. I don’t feel like preparing a salad. Yuck.
I guess the secret lies within balance. I scoff at people who say that. If I knew how to do balance, I would be doing it, wouldn’t I? I want to know how others are doing balance; those who, well, manage close to 40 people and work an average of 60 hour work weeks. How do they make it to yoga class? How do they cook and eat “balanced meals?” How do they even make it to get a manicure? Last weekend I spent sleeping. Yep, I slept most of Sunday and I can’t even remember what I did on Saturday. I assume the same.
I saw an email string today, in which someone said “Yeah, it’s a double edge sore.” I guess so is life, a double edge sore! I’m going to play “Candy Crush” now.
