Whenever I read status updates on Facebook, or see stuff on Twitter, it’s all about inspirational and motivational messages. People’s updates are quotes and great articles, showing what great thinkers and peaceful warriors they are. Of course, I am no different and do the same on many occasions. Sure, no one wants to read the constant stream of whinery and douche baggery from people either, but for myself I prefer the human part of a post.
My life is a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. There is static, weirdness, loathing, happiness, self-destruction, fear, sadness, humor, depression and wonderment. My life is at times amazing and other times it sucks so much that it is difficult for me to breathe. Sometimes I want to hug the world, laugh and share my “wealth” and other times I am curled up in a ball, crying and sobbing. I often feel super confident and can stand firmly in who I am and other times I am needy, petty and insecure. My mind has an amazing ability to imagine wonderful things and other times it gets so dark and bad in there that I dare not share with anyone what I am thinking. Sometimes I am over-sharing and other times I share superficial crap or nothing at all. I don’t necessarily need attention, but sometimes I feel I need confirmation that I am still alive and that someone actually gives a shit.
My life is a movie; and sometimes I think it’s the worst story ever written. But regardless, I feel it deserves to be heard and shared in hopes that someone, even if only one person, may understand that no one is perfect and all of us have our cross to bear and our high times and low times. For me it’s important to say that my flaws are many but my strengths do make up for them; at least most of the time. I make no excuses for myself. I admit that most of my crap is, in fact, my crap; brought on by yours truly. No one did anything to me that I didn’t invite, in one way or another. I am no longer a child. I am responsible for my crap, my poor and my great decisions. I am not a victim and I’m not innocent. But I do own and take full responsibility for all awesomeness and rock bottom moments I experience.
Today I had a conversation with someone who told me they wished they were as strong as me; as confident and happy. I hugged the person and told them that sometimes I fake it to make it through the day. I told them that I am no stranger to depression, fear, anxiety, anger and pain, but that I do choose most of the time to represent how it looks like when one gets through the shit storm. I think it’s important to share that there is another side; even if only to remind myself at times!
So, excuse the occasional spewing of raw emotion as I write and release. But today, I stand firmly in being anything but perfect and being as vulnerable, scared and afraid as the next. I make stupid decisions and I ignore my gut feeling a lot to serve my ego. I have read a lot of books and still don’t think myself wise. Alas, I come out on the other side victorious, strong, peddling, breathing, smiling and winking.
