Being hypersensitive, covering up for ADHD, while also having Fibromyalgia, has not only been difficult, but at times devastating. While I learned to cope with these conditions and manage as best as possible, interactions in daily life often caused the majority of my pain. How others reacted to me, the (incorrect) conclusions they drew and judgments they passed about me made my life at times unbearable. I frequently battled major depression and felt suicidal to the point of hospitalization. I want to make it clear that I would not kill myself, because I cannot bear to cause this much pain to those who love me, but talking about the mess that is my brain and not mentioning depression and suicidal thoughts would be dishonest.
Let’s start with being hypersensitive. Having so much empathy that you can not only feel what others are feeling, but also being able to read intentions and knowing, for example, when someone is lying or hiding things, is not an advantage. You cannot ever talk about your intuitions, because people don’t look kindly on being found out, or being told things they don’t want to hear about themselves or others. They will simply label you as too sensitive, pompous (how dare you say things you can’t possibly know for sure), delusional and therefore not trustworthy and dishonest.
When I was a child my mother would punish me for my sensitivity and not allow me to cry. Speaking up about bullies or cheaters in school didn’t go well either and resulted in retaliation. Telling your friend that the person they are with is cheating is never believed and always ended up with me being attacked and cast out. Exposing anyone for being an abuser, narcissist, liar, manipulator or cheat always ended up with horrible consequences for me and none for the perpetrators.
Enter ADHD! I used to think that I just suffer from diarrhea of the mouth. Little did I know that this “urge to speak up” was simply due to horrible, and mostly non-existent impulse control paired with wrong decisions about how the world works from childhood trauma. The compulsion to share every thought, because I felt that not doing so made me dishonest, had catastrophic consequences throughout my life. In my head I thought I needed to speak up about what I saw or sensed, because I was forced to keep the actions of my abusive parents, especially my father, a secret as a child, and never wanted a person to go through what I did. I didn’t know enough about human conditioning, cognitive dissonance or how belief works in our brain. I didn’t know that saying things to the contrary of a belief of a person would only result in their belief getting stronger and me being called a liar or troublemaker. I had no idea that pathological liars and narcissists will never apologize or own up to anything, but double down so convincingly that I stood no chance.
When I entered menopause, all these issues were amplified. My emotions seemed now completely out of control, bouncing between rage/anger (over not being able to express what was happening to me), or simply being deeply depressed and exhausted. I could no longer concentrate at all, lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence, forget everything and was all over the place.
I understand that most people are not as sensitive or intuitive, but I would have given the world for anyone to simply ask questions, noticing that my behavior seemed extreme, or nonsensical. Instead, people judged and never asked what was going on with me. Some flat out took advantage of me spiraling by gaslighting me, playing me against others and sharing what/if I had confided in them.
Why am I writing all of this? Because if you are feeling these things or have acted in such ways, I want to let you know that you are not crazy and that there are doctors who can help. I‘m also writing this in hopes that someone reads this and instead of judging a person who behaves erratically when they haven‘t in the past, asks questions and finds the compassion to help. Curiosity and honest care is always better than blind judgment.
