“How do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men?” asked one of my co-workers. We can keep going on this list and replace “emotionally unavailable” with words like “addicted,” “cheaters,” “liars,” or whatever else is unacceptable to us and works against the life we wish to have.
So how does it work that, even though we vow to never end up in that situation again, we go out and attract nothing but the things we don’t want? How do we seem to know with absolute certainty what isn’t good for us and yet, like a moth to the light, we keep choosing it?
First of all, there is no such thing as “bad luck” or “born under the wrong star.” Life and the way it pans out for us, is a sum of our choices, actions, words, thoughts and emotions. And what most people are not aware of is that choices are largely made from the subconscious, not the conscious part of our brain. And just like the hard-drive of a computer, we are hard-wired to respond to certain stimuli in a certain fashion; over and over and over.
When we learn to cope with unsatisfactory, abusive or wrong situations we encounter in our lives, we tend to end up choosing them after a while. The reason is simple, no matter how miserable we are, we know now how to do “bad;” we have learned to deal with misery and unhappiness, because we’ve never learned how to do happy. We cannot live or attract what we cannot envision! This is because we cannot know what we don’t know (yeah, it’s a mouthful!).
We are conditioned to recognize that which is familiar; good or bad. And by design we gravitate towards it. The more we do repeat a certain cycle, the more we become addicted to it. Repeating patterns forms neurological pathways and literally hard-wires us to rinse and repeat. The less we do a behavior, the less we will have the neurological pathways to know or remember how to do it; i.e. we literally unlearn how to be happy and we keep enforcing our subconscious dialogue, which may consist of phrases like “I am not good enough,” or “I don’t ever get what I want.”
The worst part about it all is that most people are completely unaware that they are the creator of their misery. A lot of it is due to denial, but the other part is due to the fact that they are making their choices literally unconsciously; and again, how can you be aware of something you don’t know is there? And why do some people break the cycle, or how can you break the cycle?
What helped me was logic, at first; at least until I got the ball rolling. I did simple math. If I am now on my 10th relationship, let’s say, with the 10th guy who is emotionally unavailable, dishonest and actually quite dysfunctional, there has to be something wrong with me! The mathematical possibility that out of 100 people I meet, 95 of them are douche bags is pretty low; unless I am the one who keeps drawing them somehow.
Changing a faulty hard-drive is not the hardest thing, even though that it isn’t easy at all. The hardest thing is finding the courage and honesty with oneself to stop pointing the finger at others, no matter how much you have been wronged, and pointing it at yourself instead. Initially, it is a very scary thing to realize that you are responsible for your well-being and that you are the master of your own universe. After all, we all have been taught to blame, be it a god, our parents, another person, or race and so on. It therefore goes against every part of our being to stop the cycle and take full responsibility for our choices. It’s also a pretty somber awakening.
Most people will never find the courage to drop their stories of victimhood and take full charge of their life. If this is how they have been functioning for years, they will be surrounded by those who support their dysfunction and enable them to remain on the same path; because they chose those who allow them to keep the status quo. However, for those who are interested I can report that there is not only light at the end of the tunnel, but absolute bliss. If I would have known what awaits me on the other side, trust me, I would have started earlier.
The path to become a creator versus a simple bystander is steep, thorny and requires a lot of will-power and support. But just like most things in life that are hard work the rewards far outweigh the trials. There is a certain freedom when we are able to wake up, look in the mirror, smile and think “I have created an awesome life and can manifest whatever I choose to manifest.”
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I’ve done it repeatively. Chosen men who will not love me enough to be whole heartedly committed to me.
This time it’s a guy who has been my best male friend for over 5 years. We share several bonds. I so thought as strong as our friendship was, as much as he was open with me, as deep as the attraction and inability to deny the passion, it was meant to be.
WOW! I was so twisted sideways to find everything turned completely the opposite once we made the decision to enter into a relationship as a couple.
I’m amazed how I find myself stuck once again on repeat. My record is scratched. I don’t want to buff out the scratch. I want a brand new record.
I first must find the tools to teach my brain and heart to come into allignment with what to do, not do, and the warning signs (red flags) to get the ball rolling to recovery and healthy choice making.
I am a Codependent (enabler) who wears her heart on her sleeve and it is an emotional, truthful, honest, kind, understanding, caring heart. Very sensitive. Yet strong and a survivor.
How do I get started? Where is the first step outside of acknowledging I’m responsible for my own heartaches and poor choices in choosing or attracting healthy, stable, committable men?
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I’d suggest to find a therapist. If you are co-dependent, there are ways to fix that. You want to be independent, so a partner adds to your life, but does not become a project, or a lost soul you’ll have to rescue. Finding self-worth to love yourself enough is also key. Loving oneself gets rid of co-dependency faster, because you know that you deserve the same love, care and respect that you give to others, for yourself, too! Cognitive behavioral therapy works really well, and so does traditional talk therapy. It depends on what works better for you. Ideally, a mix of both is something I can recommend.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes.